All's Fair in Love and Gelatin

Author:  Orrymain
Category:  Slash, Humor, Romance, Established Relationship
Pairing:  Jack/Daniel ... and it's all J/D
Rating:  PG-13
Season:  Beyond the Series - June 3-23, 2012
Spoilers:  Children of the Gods (minor)
Size:  49kb, short story
Written:  June 5-11, July 3-5,9,22, 2007  Revised for consistency:  September 22, 2007
Summary:  It's the battle of the sexes, and Daniel isn't happy about it at all!
Disclaimer:  Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't.  A gal can dream though!
Notes:  
1) Sometimes, Jack and Daniel speak almost telepathically.  Their “silent” words to each other are indicated by asterisks instead of quotes, such as **Jack, we can't.**
2) Silent, unspoken thoughts by various characters are indicated with ~ in front and behind them, such as ~Where am I?~
3) Thanks to my betas who always make my fics better:  Linda, Claudia, Sara, Cassiopeia!

All's Fair in Love and Gelatin
by Orrymain

“Give it a rest, Carter,” Jack whined as he tossed the basketball up into the air.  “Yes!” he exclaimed, pumping his fist into the air when the ball swished through the netting.  “*That's* how you play this game.”

“Lucky shot,” Sam mumbled as she walked over to the sideline.

“What was that?” Jack questioned in his 'Careful what you say, I outrank you' command tone.

“Lucky shot ... Sir,” the blonde responded defiantly.  ~Military regulations be darned.  I'm at the SGC more than he is now.  I go on more missions.  I work on ...~

Jack moved over to defend the basket.  Sensing his 2IC's internal mutterings, he smirked as smugly as he ever had, earning him an intense stare by the younger woman.

“The problem with men is that they think their physical stature is superior,” Sam stated, bouncing the ball in front of her opponent a couple of times.

“Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it,” Jack teased as he took his stance, readying himself for the blonde’s attack.

“I have news for you, Jack,” Sam stated, intentionally using the man's given name.  “Size isn't everything.”  In a flash, she ducked under Jack's right arm, dribbling the ball towards the basket and then shooting the ball up in a swift arc where it sailed effortlessly through the net.  “Yes!” Sam exclaimed, pumping her fist as she mimicked her CO's earlier actions.

Jack grumbled, “Lucky shot.”

“No, Sir, good shot,” the blonde corrected with a grin as she retrieved the ball.  “As I said a minute ago, you guys all think ...”

“Carter, I don't need you to tell me what a guy thinks,” Jack interrupted.  “I *am* a guy, I'm married to a guy, and I know what a guy thinks.”

“... that *bigger* is *better*,” Sam accused, spiraling the ball forcefully towards Jack, who grunted slightly when he took hold of the ball as it impacted his abdomen.

“Believe me, Carter.  Where Danny is concerned, bigger is most certainly better,” Jack said, grinning mischievously.

“Geez, Sir!  TMI,” Sam groaned, but she couldn't help but smile at the smug, sappy look on her CO's face.  “Just because ...”

“Oh, not the hormones and organs bit again!” Jack groused.

“Oh, gawd, I'll never live that down,” the blonde grunted, her head jerking back as she closed her eyes remembering that speech.

“You're the one who said it, Carter,” Jack reminded mockingly.

“Only because Kawalsky and Ferretti were ogling me like I didn't belong there, and you, Sir, were of no help,” Sam challenged, suddenly realizing how forceful she was sounding.

Jack's stern look slowly melted into a tiny smile.  He let out a little laugh and shook his head.

“What?” Sam asked curiously, not having anticipated laughter as a response.

“You have spunk, Carter.”

“Yeah, well ...” Sam began, cocking her head to the side pridefully.

“I hate spunk,” Jack retorted.  Seeing her surprised look, he laughed, “I'm just kidding.  That's a line from an old sitcom.”  Tossing the ball over to her gently, he added seriously, “It was never about you being a woman, not to me.”

Sam responded, “I know that.”  The two shared a smile, and then she stated, “I can take you, Sir.”

“Take me?” Jack asked incredulously, placing his hand on his chest.

“One-on-one, you and me.  What do you say?” Sam challenged, a gleam in her eye.

“One-on-one *how*?” Jack inquired curiously.

Just then, Daniel and Janet drove up to the Jackson-O'Neill home and got out of the physician's vehicle.

“We're saved!” Daniel chuckled, holding up the bags full of groceries.  Looking at Janet, he said, “I can't believe we go through as much milk, eggs, and ... gawd, everything, that we do.”

Janet laughed, “You do have a dozen children, Daniel.”

Still chuckling, Daniel saw something on the faces of his husband and his basketball playing friend, and, with a growing sense of dread, asked, “Okay, what'd I miss?”

“I'm challenging the general to a competition,” Sam informed.  “You know how it is, Janet.  Men think their size means they're better.”

“Well, in some things,” Janet laughed, then winked at her female colleague.

Fortunately, both Jack and Daniel were both thinking about the competition and didn't hear Janet's comment or notice the wink.  If they had, both women knew that Jack would have come up with some kind of embarrassing comment.

“What *kind* of competition?” Daniel asked suspiciously.  **I advise caution, Love.**

**Caution, smaution.  I can handle anything she throws at me,** Jack responded confidently.  ~In fact ...~  Smugly, he stated, “You know, Carter, there's no fun in a competition without a little bet to make it interesting.”

“What kind of bet?” Sam asked cautiously.  ~He's tricky.~

“I win, you and Doc have to ...”

“Wait a minute!” Janet exclaimed laughingly.  “How did *I* get in the middle of this?”

“Solidarity,” Jack answered.  “Or do you agree with me?” he asked flauntingly, knowing he'd just backed the physician into a corner.

As Sam looked on, Janet gave the silver-haired man her best 'Little Napoleon' stare and responded, “Take your best shot, General.”

“But, if you lose, you and Daniel have to do ... whatever,” Sam stated, grinning at the shorter woman.

“Hold it!” Daniel butted in.  “Why am I involved in this?” he asked, putting down the grocery bags for the time being.

“Solidarity,” Sam and Janet replied in unison.

“Great,” Daniel responded dryly.  **You'd better know what you're doing, O'Neill.**

**Trust me.**

**Right,** Daniel sighed, knowing that this was going to end badly.

“You're on!” Jack agreed, smiling at the two women.

“Oh, this is gonna be a piece of cake,” Sam mused, half laughing at the match that was being set up and intentionally using one of her CO's favorite phrases.

“Don't count your chickens before their hatched, Colonel,” Jack countered.

Walking up closer to Jack, holding the basketball at her side, Sam retorted, “What is it about a guy always referring to women as chicks, anyway?  I'll have you know ...”

Staring her down, Jack interrupted, “If it clucks ...”

“Uh, excuse me,” the archaeologist interjected, holding up his right hand.  “While this testosterone and, uh, hormone demonstration is ... exciting ... what exactly is the bet?”

Jack and Sam looked at each other, then both shrugged.

“You don't know?” Daniel asked incredulously.

“We'll figure it out later,” Sam offered, looking to the general for confirmation.

“Yeah,” Jack agreed.  “The winner and his ...”

“Or her,” Janet put forth forcefully.

“Or *her* partner in solidarity,” Jack corrected with a nod to the doctor, “will choose the pay off.”

“No boundaries, as long as it's not breaking the law,” Sam suggested.

“Works for me,” Jack stated.

“Jack, are you sure about this?” the younger man asked.  ~He's not sure about this.  He can't be.~

“Daniel, it's a cinch,” Jack answered.  Smirking as he looked at his challenger, he said, “Piece of cake.”

“You might just be serving that piece of cake to us after I win the match, Sir,” Sam said confidently, giving the older man her own smug smile.

“Incredible,” Daniel sighed, picking up the bags and then turning and heading into the house to put the groceries away.  ~They're both insane, and I am in *so* much trouble.~

====

After a long meeting of the minds that night, the nature of the contest had finally been decided.

“This is crazy,” Daniel mumbled, his arms crossed in front of his chest.

“Nuts,” Pete Shanahan chuckled as the two men stood on the sidelines, having listened to the protracted conversation in which the 'Iron Person - Military Style' contest had been devised.

“They still haven't determined the bet,” the archaeologist noted.

“Whatever it is, Daniel, I'm sure you and Jack will pay up gracefully,” Pete commented, only half joking.

Daniel turned his head to stare at Sam's husband and replied, “Uh, I have the same confidence in your wife and Janet.”

Pete chuckled, “Care to make a wager?”

“Gawd, no!” Daniel responded.  Walking away, he muttered, “I'm already in enough trouble.”

Pete laughed as he ate some more of the peanuts that he'd been holding in his hand.

~I'm just glad I'm not part of this craziness,~ the police detective thought, relief coloring his thoughts.

====

Much to Daniel's dismay, Competition Day had arrived.  The brood had been 'farmed out', as Jack jokingly referred to it, to a variety of friends and neighbors for the day, and the contest, covertly being held on the green mountaintop of Cheyenne Mountain, was in progress.  Jack and Sam were battling fiercely, while Daniel, Pete, and Janet watched, kept score, helped to set up the various stages of the battle, and participated in the game of the moment, when necessary.

The first round of the Iron Person - Military Style Challenge had begun with an obstacle course that ended with a one-mile running race.  Though Jack had been first through the obstacles, Sam had easily breezed by him during the run.  Jack wasn't concerned.

Catching his breath, the general thought, ~It's going as planned.  She's got a younger body.  Round two is mine.~

The next round was a covert game of seeing who could find and apprehend the enemy first.  For Jack, Janet was the enemy.  For Sam, it was Daniel.  With his superior covert skills, the general quickly cornered his prey, outdoing Sam's time by a full two minutes.

~Piece of cake,~ Jack mused confidently as he took a sip of water before the next round began.

The third event was a combination of swimming and biking: ten laps in the pool and then biking one of the trails that went around the Mountain.  Sam had expected to win this particular one, but was surprised when her CO just edged her out.

“It's ... all those ... bike rides ... with the ... kids,” Jack gasped before collapsing to the ground in a heap at the end of the race, his bicycle sprawled on the grass and its wheels spinning in the air.

Round four was divided into two parts, a stiff combination of the mental and the physical.  Part one challenged the competitors to input, from memory, the correct addresses for various planets that SG-1 regularly visited into a computer simulation that Daniel had programmed.  The two contestants then had to link various Air Force regulations with their names and sections.  That's the part that had Jack sweating.

“I'll never be one for regulations,” Jack sighed when the round concluded.

“But you're a general, General,” Janet mused.

“Go figure,” Jack responded with a smirk and a shrug.

Part two of the round was another covert scenario.  Starting from different points on the twelfth level of the SGC, Jack and Sam had to maneuver, undetected by any personnel, to Level 26, where they had to pick up a specially made marker, which had been placed in one of the storage rooms by Janet, and then return, undetected, to the starting points.

While Pete waited topside, Daniel and Janet tracked their partner's progress through the monitoring system, having come up with a reason for the regular security personnel to be otherwise occupied for a while.  Although Jack breezed through the second section, he still fell short in the overall phase by just two seconds.

With the rounds now tied, everything hinged on the final competition -- the weapons round.  Jack and Sam were required to use their standard-issue knives to cut their way through a rope maze, then crawl on their elbows and knees for a quarter of a mile, while holding their rifles in their hands, over to where a special shooting area had been set up.  Two sets of ten handmade targets had been randomly placed at different heights and distances.  The quickest and most accurate competitor would win the round, and the Iron Person - Military Style bragging rights.  More importantly, they'd win the bet.

Sam managed to get through her round in three minutes, ten seconds, hitting nine targets.

Now it was Jack's turn.  With Sam, Janet, and Pete heckling while Daniel rooted, Jack hustled his way through the maze and was on pace to defeat his second-in-command.  As he approached the last target, he knew he'd hit nine.  He'd been a little slow, though, crossing from the maze to the shooting area, so he'd lost some precious time.  If he hit this last target, he'd win.  If he missed it, even though he'd tie Sam with targets hit, he'd lose overall due to their time differences.

Staying calm, Jack focused on the last target off in the distance.  It was the highest target placed well up off the ground.  He knew he could make the shot and win it all.  He began to pull the trigger.

~Just one more second,~ Jack thought.

Suddenly, Daniel's eyes lit up, and he yelled out, “JACK, NO!” while sprinting forward and knocking his lover's arm upward, thus preventing the general from hitting the target.

“Daniel, what the heck do you think you're doing?” Jack asked, exasperated that his 'winning' shot had ended up being fired into the air.

“Look!” Daniel called out, pointing to a bird's nest in the tree behind the target.  “You would have hit it.”

“I would have hit the target!” the older man complained.  “What are you so upset about?”

“That!” Daniel said emphatically as he pointed towards the tree.

“It's a *tree*, Daniel,” Jack pointed out unnecessarily.

“Look closer,” the younger man insisted.

“For crying out loud,” Jack grumbled, though he did as asked, finally spying the tiny nest in the tree.  “Daniel, I would have hit the target.”

“The target, Jack, is a piece of cardboard,” the archaeologist stated about the makeshift targets that they'd made.

“We lost the friggin' bet!” Jack argued agitatedly, his mind still focused on the battle and not the innocent animal life in the distance.

“I don't freakin' care!” Daniel argued.  “I'd rather lose the bet than win because you've killed an innocent bird, or worse, a family.”  He paused at his lover's continued stare of disapproval and asked, “Would *you* want to be the one to tell Little Danny that you'd killed a mom and her babies to win a bet with Aunt Sam?”

~I *hate* it when he goes for the gut like that.~  Jack glared at his lover, then shook his head as he looked over at the smirking Sam and Janet.  “Well, you know what they say,” the general finally sighed dejectedly.

“What's that, General?” Janet asked, immediately wishing that she hadn't.

“A Daniel on my side is worth two females in the bush,” Jack quipped, grinning as he put his arm around his husband.

“Bad,” Daniel whispered.

Sam grimaced as she concurred, “Very bad ... Sir.”

“Yeah, well ...”  Jack paused, then smiled as he said, “Congratulations, Carter.”

“Thank you, Sir,” the blonde acknowledged happily.

“Way to go, Gorgeous,” Pete exclaimed, clapping as he leaned forward and kissed his wife.

“So, what do you want us to do -- grovel for a week?” Jack queried, referring to their bet.

Sam and Janet laughed, and then Sam answered, “We'll get back to you on that,” as she turned and began to retrieve the targets.

“Daniel, I'm going to regret this,” Jack sighed.

“The bet?”

“Listening to you,” the older man growled.  Then he chuckled, “Just kidding, Love.”

“But you are mad,” Daniel stated, though it was more of a question.

“Nah.  I should have seen the nest myself,” Jack opined, leaning forward to place a quick kiss on his husband's lips.  As he began to walk away, he added, “Just remember it's your fault when we have to do, whatever we have to do.”  ~Of course, the Doc was responsible for the placement of that target.  Why didn't she see the nest?~ the older man pondered.  ~Mmm.  I smell fowl.  Paybacks, Doc, and I'll get ya for that, one of these days,~ he chuckled.

“Right,” Daniel replied dryly as he hung his head and closed his eyes for a moment before joining the others in their competition cleanup.

====

Today was the big payoff for the Iron Person  - Military Style Challenge, and Daniel wasn't a happy camper.

“This is all *your* fault,” the unamused archaeologist bemoaned vehemently as he slipped on the appropriate attire.

“Mine?” Jack questioned incredulously, the older man having already put on the mandated outfit.

“Yes, *you*,” the younger man claimed.  “You're the one who made this ridiculous bet in the first place.”

“And I would have won, except for you and the animal kingdom,” Jack reminded harshly.  ~Besides, I like you in that outfit.~

“You were going to kill a bird!”

“I was not!”

“Jack, let's just get this ... insanity over with,” Daniel suggested as he stared into the mirror, not liking the image staring back at him.  “I may never look at myself in the mirror again.”

With a leer, Jack responded, “I'll look at you like that every second of every day.”

“Gawd, stop that.  This isn't like it's just ... us.”

Jack groaned, “She pulled a fast one.”  Inwardly, he chuckled, ~Not bad, Carter,~ as he couldn't help but admire the woman's guile by her choice of payback.

“Like you wouldn't, if the situation were reversed?” Daniel challenged.

“I've trained her well,” Jack snickered.

Daniel rolled his eyes and then turned and stared at his husband.  If it weren't so embarrassing, he'd want to eat his lover on the spot.  Unfortunately, their 'audience' was waiting in Janet's backyard.

“Jack, stop snooping,” Daniel ordered, noticing the older man was beginning to get a bit too curious about the things on Janet's dresser.

“Just making notes,” Jack chuckled, looking around the woman's bedroom.

A tap on the door prevented further discussion as Sam called out tauntingly, “Sir, Daniel, it's *showtime*.”

“You're enjoying this *too* much, Carter,” Jack shouted back.

Sam just laughed as she walked away, leaving the two men staring at each other.

“Let's go, Danny.”

“I feel like an exhibitionist,” Daniel sighed, looking down at himself.

“Just think of it as a good porn movie,” Jack quipped, earning him two painful darts in his direction; at least, that's what Daniel's glare felt like.  ~Maybe that wasn't a good thing to say,~ he pondered as he slipped on his robe and opened the door.

“I have just one thing to say, Jack -- paybacks,” Daniel spoke strongly as he tied the sash on his robe and then walked out of the bedroom.

====

In her backyard, where the 'exhibition' was being held, Janet whistled to get her guests' attention.

“Welcome, Ladies, to a night I know we'll never forget!” Janet exclaimed, her grin almost bigger than her face.

A round of whoops and hollers erupted from the all-female crowd.

“As you know, we owe this special event to our Iron Person!” Janet stated enthusiastically, with more cheers and claps following.  “Sam!”

Sam walked over to stand by her friend.  She bowed and curtsied both, smiling brightly.

“Aw, it was nothing,” the blonde said about her win over her commanding officer. “But it was great!”

As Janet recounted Sam's victory, Jack and Daniel grimaced from their positions just inside the house.

“She got lucky,” Jack whined.

“*You* made the bet,” Daniel reminded sternly.

“Daniel, don't start,” Jack advised.

“Ladies, are you ready?” Janet called out, literally jumping up and down with excitement.

“Bring them on!” Megan Williams shouted from among the onlookers.

“She's fired,” Jack growled about J-O Enterprises most valuable employee.

“Come on out, Big Fellas!” Janet beckoned.

“Well?” Daniel spoke when his lover hadn't moved.

“You first,” Jack replied.

“It was *your* bet.  *Move!*” Daniel ordered.

“Geez.  Touchy, touchy!”

“Not to you tonight, that's for sure,” the younger man vowed.

The cheers from the crowd grew in anticipation, some of the women even standing to try and get the best view.

“Fellas, let's see those wiggles,” Janet encouraged loudly.

“Wiggles?” Daniel echoed.

Jack shrugged and decided it was time to get it over with.  The sooner the couple walked out, the sooner they would be headed home.
 
To the sounds of whistles, applause, and cheers, Jack and Daniel emerged from the house and walked into the backyard.  They were both dressed like prizefighters, barefoot and wearing silk robes that only went down as far as their knees.

“Gentlemen, take your positions,” Sam ordered, giggling at the glare Jack gave her.

~I can't believe I'm doing this,~ Daniel thought as he stepped into the eighteen-square-foot plastic pool, the edges of which were just sixteen-inches high.

“Our referee for the evening is Major Grace Satterfield,” Janet introduced, her arm extending towards the beautiful Asian woman, who was clad in a one-piece bathing suit.

“Rigged,” Jack snapped quietly.

“What was that?” Janet asked as Grace took her place inside the pool.

Jack glared, but answered, “She's had a crush on Daniel from the moment she first laid eyes on him.”

“Who hasn't?” a female voice called out from the crowd, resulting in a round of cheers and hollers.

Jack moved to the center of the blue pool and barked, “Okay, who said that?” which caused the women to laugh.  Growling like the grizzly bear he was reported to be, he returned to his side of the pool and whined, “Gonna cancel the paperwork for her promotion.”

“Promotion?” Grace called out, her eyes wide.

“You just better be fair, *Colonel*, or that paperwork is gonna get permanently lost,” Jack snarked, though he smiled at her a moment later.  ~Guess I let the cat out of the bag,~ he mused, not worrying at all her that the promotion wouldn't be approved.

“Yes, Sir!” the major, soon-to-be lieutenant colonel, shouted excitedly.

Janet and Sam both hugged Grace, and then Janet continued her duties, saying, “Okay, Ladies, in this corner, we have that loudmouth of our hearts, Grizzly Bear General Jack 'The Jackhammer' Jackson-O'Neill.”

Removing his robe, as ordered, Jack decided, ~If you've got it, flaunt it,~ and shuffled over to the center of the pool to the applause and catcalls of the audience.

“Oh, gawd,” Daniel expressed, watching his lover parade around in Speedos that had a jackhammer pictured in front.  ~Why am I here?  I should be in Egypt, hiding ... I mean, working on a dig ... somewhere, anywhere.~

“And on this side, we have that cutie of our hearts, Doctor Daniel 'The Pick' Jackson-O'Neill.”

~I'm not here.  It's just a surreal experience -- a dream,~ Daniel decided, removing his robe and than emulating what his lover had done before him, the ladies whooping loudly over the archaeological pick that was embroidered on the front of his Speedos.  He looked down at his feet immersed in gelatin and thought, ~I'm definitely going to get payback for this.~

Sam had originally thought about a mud wrestling match, but then she changed her mind.

“I know how much you love Jell-O, Sir, especially blue Jell-O,” Sam had explained upon revealing what Jack and Daniel would have to do to fulfill the obligation of the bet.

“Wiseacre,” Jack had responded snarkily.

Right now, Sam was pleased with her choice.  She chuckled, though, at the difference in the two men.

~The general is parading around like a proud peacock, but poor Daniel looks like he's an ostrich looking for a hole to bury his head in,~ Sam observed.

“Grace, it's all yours,” Janet stated as she went to take her front-row seat, next to Sam.

The female crowd was loud and excited with their admiration of the male Jell-O wrestlers.  Comment after comment was being made about 'The Pick' and 'the Jackhammer'.

Jack and Daniel were both amazed at the audience Sam had invited.  Among the females assembled were Cassandra Luca, Karissa Lewis, Suzanna Simpson, Carolyn Ferretti, Sophia Valissi, Christa Svenson, Marie Hill, Tracey O'Connor, Sara Wilson, and Carolyn Lam.  The audience was completed by a few other friends, neighbors, and co-workers of Jack and Daniel.

“Let's see that hammer jack it up!” one of the females shouted.

“Pick away!” another urged, as Daniel turned two shades of red.

With their husbands and significant others not present for the evening, the women were free to carry on to their hearts' delight.  As for the Jackson-O'Neill children, they were under the combined supervision of their Grandpa George Hammond and Uncle Pete Shanahan at the Jackson-O'Neill home, except for Jennifer, who was with her friends, Sheila and Amber.

“Gentlemen, remember the rules.  If either of you says 'stop', taps me or the side of the pool, or goes limp ...” Grace began.

“Nooooo going limp!” someone in the audience cried out in mock horror.

“Yeah, be *hard* and focused!” another shouted.

~I'm not here.  It's just a dream,~ Daniel told himself, standing with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

“Down with the arms!” a guest yelled.

“We want to see the six pack,” another female spoke.

“Six-pack!” another woman cried out in agreement.

“Hey!” Jack shouted out.  “You just remember who that six pack belongs to.”

“Six-pack!  Six-pack!  Six-pack!  Six-pack!  Six-pack!” the women chanted in unison, standing and pounding into the air with their fists.

~It's Egypt; it's hot, definitely hot, and I'm ... I'm ...~

“Daniel, drop 'em!” Sam ordered loudly.

Dropping his arms to the happiness of the females, the archaeologist began to run through the Latin alphabet in an attempt to forget about where he was.  Unfortunately, another catcall drew him out of his silent attempt.

“Oh, yeah, baby, stacked.  Mmm ... I want some of that!~ the woman spoke with a sultry tone.

“Look all you want, Ladies, but you don't get to touch,” Jack reminded.

**Paybacks, Babe,** Daniel warned, feeling like some striptease dancer.  ~I only strip for one person, and, right now, I'm not sure I'm even talking to him.~

Grinning, Jack decided to ignore Daniel's threat and the woman's orgasmic tone about his husband and continued to motivate himself with his mantra for the event -- ~If you've got it, flaunt it.~

Grace continued, “No hair pulling, head butting ...”

“Wouldn't want heads to butt,” one of the women chuckled.

Laughing, Grace moved forward, saying, “... no gouging, choking, kneeing ...”

“They save that for the bedroom,” one member of the audience quipped, resulting in the loudest round of cheers and catcalls yet.

~I'm in Egypt, working on a dig.  I'm at the Great Pyramid ...~ Daniel continued, determined not to turn as red as a tomato, which he was sure he was about to do. The alphabet hadn't worked, so he returned to visualization techniques.  ~I'm headed down a dark passage, and I'm *alone*.~

After laughing herself, Grace continued, “As the referee, I have the final say, so treat me nice.”  She looked at Daniel, placed her hand on his lower arm, and sighed, “Verrrrrry nice.”

Once again drawn from his Egyptian daydream, Daniel just smiled, his dimples showing, but Jack's eyes were in the process of shifting further from brown to green.  He tapped Grace on the shoulder and, when she turned to look at him, he glared, his eyes communicating that she'd better get her hands off his husband.

Vocally, the general stated fiercely, “I said, no one gets to touch.”

The crowd cheered at Jack's possessive streak, sounds of 'that's sweet' and 'awwww' filling the air.  Daniel also swore he heard mutterings of, 'if we work together, we can distract Jack and get Daniel all alone'.

Grace smiled weakly at the general, removed her hand from Daniel's arm, and announced, “Today's match will be three rounds of ninety seconds each.  When a contestant pins his opponent twice during a round, they'll be declared the winner of that round.  If no one is pinned twice, *I* declare the winner,” she said, looking at Jack with a smug expression that indicated that now, she was in full control.

“Give the woman a promotion, and it goes right to her head,” Jack groused.

“After three rounds, if there is no clear winner, the audience will decide the victor,” Grace spoke, the women erupting into more cheers.  “Gentlemen, take your corners.”  She moved back a bit, clearing the middle of the pool for action.  “Timekeeper, are you ready?”

“Ready!” Christa said, holding up the stopwatch.

“Aren't you too old for this?” Jack asked, his eyes smiling at the senior citizen.

Pretending to sound feeble, which she definitely wasn't, the senior citizen retorted, “Sonny Boy, you're never too old to admire a good hanging!”

Whoops spread throughout the backyard while Jack groaned and waved a hand towards the woman.

“Go!” Grace ordered, seeing Christa's nod as she clicked the stopwatch.

“Watch out, Dannyboy, you're going down,” Jack threatened as he moved forward.

“Only in your dreams, Fly Boy,” Daniel responded with a determined grin as he matched his lover's movements, step by step, his determination to win overcoming his embarrassment.

With their hands in front of them as they walked in a circular pattern, Jack and Daniel began cautiously, neither ready to make the first attack.

“C'mon, you chickens!” Sophia encouraged.

“Mrs. V!” Jack exclaimed, his eyes darting to the older woman.

Daniel bounced at his soulmate's distraction, pushing Jack down into the ocean of blue Jell-O.

“Gotcha!” the archaeologist stated proudly.

“That's one,” Grace acknowledged about the successful pin.

As his husband began to back away, Jack sat up and reached out, grabbing Daniel's legs and pulling him down onto his knees.  He was working on turning him over, but was having a hard time getting a good grip.

The women were cheering, going back and forth from Jack to Daniel, no one really caring which one of them won, but just enjoying the fun.

“Fight back, Doctor Jackson-O'Neill!” a younger voice shouted over the crowd.

“Amber, that's my father!”

Sheila chuckled, “They both are, Jen, but let's face it, they're ... stacked!”

“Look at those pecs,” Amber spoke softly, licking her lips.

“*Amber!* Jennifer chastised, shaking her head.

“Sorry,” the teen chuckled.  “But face it, Jen, while I love my dad, he looks like a scraggly Russell Crowe, only without the flair.  Your dads, well, they look more like a dreamy James Spader and that old guy MacGyver, only better.”  Amber faced forward again and began cheering, “Go Doctor Dreamy, I mean, Jackson-O'Neill.”

“She's right, Jen,” Sheila agreed and then began cheering.

“James who?” Jennifer questioned.

“He was on 'Boston Legal',” Amber informed, her eyes never leaving the action going on in the pool.

“I never heard of it,” Jennifer said.

“Well, you know my dad, always the lawyer.  He has every movie and TV law show ever done on DVD, and that show was a legal one.  Spader was hot,” Amber explained.

“If you say so.”  Jennifer turned to her right, then to her left, seeing just how into this Jell-O wrestling her two girlfriends were.  ~Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em,~ she thought.  “Come on, Daddy!”

“Daddy?” Daniel called out, his head jerking up and over towards the audience, as did Jack's.

“Jennifer, what are you doing here?” Jack called out.

Jennifer just laughed and whispered something to Sheila.

Daniel was the first to recover from his shock at Jennifer's presence, and that of her friends, and took the opportunity to take advantage of the older man.  He leaned back, his back knocking against Jack's chest, forcing him backwards.  Now the two men were facing each other again.  They moved forward, grappling with each other, each trying to get the other one down.  Their Jell-O-clad bodies made it difficult, however, not to slip themselves.

“Time!” Christa called out.

“Round one is a tie,” Grace declared, feeling that while Daniel made one pin, that Jack had been on the verge of making one himself and had done a good job of being on the attack.

“Jen, *home*!” Daniel ordered firmly as he walked forward to the front of the gelatin ring and put his hands on his hips.

“Na-huh,” Jennifer giggled, as did Sheila and Amber.

“Carter!” Jack exclaimed.

“She's almost an adult, Sir,” Sam reminded, shooting a small grin at her niece.

“*Almost* being the operative word, Carter,” Jack argued.

“Look, it's Superman!” Megan shouted, referring to Daniel's stance.

“Where's your cape, Daniel?” Suzanna shouted, laughing wildly at everything that was going on.

“Hey, *Aunt* Suzanna, why don't you get your underage niece out of here,” Jack suggested.

“And miss The Jackhammer going down?  Never!” Suzanna called out in reply.

“Down!  Down!  Down!” several women started to chant.

“Get the camcorder!” Cassandra cheered.

“Oh, for crying out loud,” Jack expressed at the innuendo.

“We're her parents!” Daniel pointed out about their daughter at the same time Jack spoke.

“Good looking ones, too,” Sheila shouted.

====

“Ten seconds until round two,” Grace called out, leaving the two parents very chagrined.  “Go!” she ordered after the seconds had ticked down.

Daniel lunged forward, quickly pushing his shocked husband down and into the gooey gelatin.

“Hey!”  Jack's eyes widened when he felt his lover's hand on his length.  “Dan...iel?” he squeaked out, his face flushed.

“Paybacks,” the younger man answered, getting up to voluptuous applause for the 'below the belt' maneuver and moving back after completing his successful pin.

“Grrrr,” Jack expressed as he slowly got up.  “Ya wanna play that way, do ya?” he asked as the couple began to circle around the inside of the gelatin-filled pool.  He faked a move to the right and, when Daniel began to react, he was able to take his lover down to his knees.  “I'll get you, Me Pretty.”

“Don't ... call me ... pretty,” Daniel responded as he struggled to get free.

Jack reached around, grabbed a handful of the gelatin, and forced it inside his Love's Speedos.

“Oh,” Daniel replied in a high voice as he reacted to slime against his most private area.  “Not nice, Babe.”

“We're wrestling,” Jack pointed out.

“How ... observant of you,” the archaeologist groaned as he held his spot, not wanting to be pinned.

However, Jack reached around again and managed to get his hand on Daniel's length, squeezing it gently but firmly.  The younger man bucked in response, allowing Jack to pull him around, pinning him in the process.  If it were possible, the cheers got even louder.

Desperately trying to forget that their teenage daughter was watching their display, the married couple faced off again, coming together as they struggled to get the other down into the slime-like material that filled the pool.  They held on tight, but neither made much headway.

“Way to *hang* in there, Daniel!”

Jack glanced over at the familiar-sounding voice and groaned, “Hey, shouldn't you be rooting for me?”

“Sorry, mon cher, but we're divorced,” Sara Wilson reminded.  “I'm free to cheer for whomever I want.”

“Traitor!” Jack yelled indignantly.

Sara laughed, then clapped and called out for Daniel to overtake her ex-husband.

Jack groused, but returned his focus to his life partner and temporary adversary.  The man was glued to his position and applying pressure on Jack's thighs.  The older man was determined, though, and didn't give an inch.

“Stay focused, Jack; you can do it!” Sara called out suddenly.

“I thought you were rooting for Daniel,” Sophia Valissi asked the former Mrs. Jack O'Neill.

Sara smiled and said, “That was just for Jack's benefit.  I still like to yank his chain sometimes, just for old times.”

Sophia returned the woman's smile and quizzed, “So, you are cheering Jack on?”

“Always,” Sara spoke.  “He always had, and always will have, my support, even if it's in a plastic pool of Jell-O,” she laughed.  “Then again, I adore Daniel, and I'm on his side, too.”

“Time!” Christa called out.

“Round two is also a tie,” Grace announced.

“Jack, make her go home,” Daniel requested, glancing over at their daughter.

“She likes you better,” Jack teased, not wanting to even look at the teenager.

“That's ridiculous.”

“No, it's not.”

“Is, too!” Daniel insisted.

“Not,” Jack maintained.

“Is, definitely is,” the younger man snapped.

“Daniel, it's not like she hasn't seen us be...”  Jack could hear the silence.  He groaned, “...fore.”

“Wooooo hooooo!” several women shouted, looking back at the now embarrassed Jennifer.

“Give me a break; they're my parents,” Jennifer requested, happy when the women returned their focus on said parents.

“Jen, you didn't,” Sheila giggled, holding her hand over her mouth.

“It was horrible.  Haven't you ever walked in on your parents?” Jennifer queried.

“Not me,” Sheila answered.

“I did once.  It was bleah,” Amber spoke, making a face.

“Yeah, gross,” Jennifer added.

“Very,” Amber said, nodding.  Then she looked back at Jack and Daniel and continued with her catcalls.  “Sure am glad they aren't my parents.”

“Why?” Sheila asked.

“Because I can appreciate their assets this way, even if they are old,” Amber answered.

====

“Go!” Grace called out, signaling the start of the third and final round.

This time, Jack went for a quick frontal attack, lunging forward in an attempt to take his lover down.  Anticipating the move, however, Daniel moved to his left, the result being that Jack landed face down in the gelatin.  Laughing, Daniel sat atop his lover and quipped, “Yee haw,” pretending to be a rider on a horse.

“Daniel, aren't you too old to be playing horsey?” Jack groaned, almost swallowing the gelatin, which he then spat out.  “This stuff tastes horrible.”

“It's not made to be eaten, Sir,” Sam called out helpfully.

“Well, it should be!” Jack yelled back.  “Daniel, get off of me.”

“Sure thing, Babe,” the younger man acknowledged, easing up slightly.  When Jack started to get up, Daniel quickly turned his soulmate over and pinned him.  “I'm off,” he smirked.

“That's one!” Grace laughed.

“That wasn't kosher, Danny,” Jack whined.

“You mean it's not cricket?” Daniel questioned, arching his eyebrows.

“Not even fair!” Jack snapped as they stood and began to circle around again.

“All's fair in love and gelatin, Jack,” Daniel retorted.

Letting out a grunt, Jack replied, “Okay, Goo Boy, you're all mine.”

“Not tonight, not after this.”

“Hey!” Jack exclaimed, standing up straight.  “You're the one who ...”  In the middle of complaint, he saw his archaeologist smirk and lunge forward.  “Not this time,” he grunted as he blocked the move, reached down for Daniel's knee and grabbed it, successfully causing the younger man to slip.  Tagging him, he proudly stated, “I love it when a plan comes together.”

“A ... a plan?”

“That's one!” Grace confirmed.

“You set me up,” Daniel accused as he sat up.

“Yeahsureyabetcha!” Jack cackled, his hands out in front of him.  ~Just need to make one more tag, and that's the show!~

Daniel leaned forward, taking hold of his lover's lower half.  Jack bent over, trying to escape.  They grunted and groaned, each not wanting to give in.

“Get him, Pick!” Doctor Carolyn Lam called out energetically.

“Rooting for Daniel, Carolyn?” Nurse Marie Hill asked curiously.

The doctor looked at the nurse and replied, “He's just so well put together.”

“He's changed a lot, that's for sure,” Marie commented.

“Changed?” Carolyn asked curiously.

“You should have seen him years ago.  When I first started working at the Mountain, he was the epitome of cute and adorable, but he was this slender thing with long, shaggy hair.  He had no muscle tone and used to trip over everything.”

“Wow,” Carolyn expressed, surprised.  “What happened?”

“You're looking at him,” Marie spoke, motioning towards the general.

“He's pretty sexy, too, but Daniel is more my type,” Carolyn confided.  “I mean, I would never ...”

“Oh, I know exactly what you mean, Carolyn,” Marie chuckled.  “General Jackson-O'Neill is one good-looking man, but Daniel ...”

“You've got a crush on him,” Carolyn surmised from the look on the nurse's face.

“Carolyn, get real.  There isn't anyone at the SGC who hasn't had a crush on Daniel at one time or another.  Well, no one of any value, anyway,” she chuckled.

“He's sure not that slender guy you were talking about now.  He's ... built ... well-built.”

“Don't let Jack hear you say that,” Marie giggled.  “He started spending a lot of time in the gym several years ago,” she explained.  “It was a team thing, I think -- he, Teal'c, and Sam.  He bulked up in a hurry, though, and when he takes off his glasses, like now, he looks like a movie star,” she opined dreamily.  

“Time!” Christa called out for the last time, interrupting the doctor and nurse's conversation.

“It's another tie!” Grace declared.  “Ladies, the vote is yours!”

Cries of 'Jack', 'Daniel', and those of 'Daddy' and 'Dad' were heard by the raucous crowd.

“You can't vote for both of us!” Jack shouted.

“I don't want to be grounded, so I can vote for both of you, if I want to, and I want to!” Jennifer rationalized.

“Fellas, please,” Grace called out, situating herself in between Jack and Daniel, the older man on her left and the younger one on her right as they faced the happy audience.  She took hold of one of their hands and smiled.  “I've been waiting *years* for a moment like this,” she spoke.

“Now *that's* a photo op, if ever I've seen one,” Cassandra chuckled, taking yet another photo with her digital camera.  Leaning over to whisper in her mother's ear, she added, “These photos should convince Uncle Jack and Uncle Daniel to buy me a new car, don't you think?”

“Cass, you know how I feel about blackmail,” Janet admonished sternly.  “You may be a married woman now, but you're never too old to learn.”

“Yes, Mom,” Cassandra replied contritely.

“Think airplane,” Janet said seriously before breaking out into a laugh.  “I want copies of all of them.”

“Sam does, too,” the younger redhead chuckled.

“Cass, you could make a mint selling those at the SGC,” Janet advised.

“Thanks for the advice, Mom.  Dom and I really do need a new car.  Maybe that'll pay for the down payment,” Cassandra commented with a grin.

“Oh, at least!”

From the middle of the gelatin pool, still clasping the contestants' hands, Grace called out, “Ladies, it's time to vote for the winner.”  Raising Jack's hand into the air, she instructed, “All those in favor of 'The Jackhammer', cheer now!”

More whistles, shouts, and cheers went up, Jack beaming with pride at all the votes.  He nodded arrogantly, confident that he'd won.

Grace lowered Jack's hand and then repeated the process with Daniel, saying, “All those in favor of 'The Pick', cheer now!”

Still smiling smugly, Jack's eyes widened when the volume increased three-fold.  The women were jumping, shouting louder than they had anytime earlier during the night, and calling out invitations that were quickly turning Jack back into Mr. Jealousy.

Daniel blushed at the seductive invitations being called out.  He bowed his head, trying to hide his smile.  In fact, he couldn't believe he was smiling, but it felt good, strangely good, to be the object of the women's desires, even if he'd never ever act on them.

Jack was about to yell out some more threats to the crowd, but out of the corner of his eye, he saw the smile on his Love's face.  It melted him.  He knew the women were no challenge to his relationship with his husband.  Strangely, all the green in his eyes and heart dissipated, replaced by a joy that his lover was feeling the goodness from the crowd.

~That's all it is.  These are our friends and family.  They love you, Danny, and they see what I see -- a handsome, strong, sexy man.  You're mine, Angel.  Enjoy the moment; then we're going home, and I'll show you just how special you are to me.~

“Sorry, General,” Grace said quietly.  Letting go of Jack's hand and keeping Daniel's hand raised, she called out, “And the winner, by a mile, Doctor Daniel 'The Pick' Jackson-O'Neill.”

Grace let go of the archaeologist's hand and backed away, leaving Daniel to accept the audience's ardor.  Jack, too, stepped back, letting his Love soak in the love the female crowd was sending his way.  The major glanced at the general and noted the strange smile on his face.

“I thought you'd be upset,” Grace admitted quietly, knowing how competitive the man was.

“Are you kidding, *Colonel*?  He's happy, and when he's happy, I'm happy,” Jack confided.

Grace smiled and nodding, hoping that one day she'd find that same kind of love with someone.

~He's still the cutest man I've ever seen, though, and the sweetest.  Darn it!~ the woman bemoaned silently.

====

“Danny ...”  Jack groaned, watching his lover walk up the stairs.  “Daniel!”

Things had gone south for the general after the great Jell-O battle.  They'd come home, enjoyed ice cream with their children, and had their family meeting, after which Jack and Daniel had taken their daughter aside to let her know they weren't pleased about her having shown up at Janet's house when she knew what was happening there.

Jennifer had just smiled and nodded, accepting their words.  It was obvious, however, she wasn't feeling any remorse.  It wouldn't have been so bad, except for those funny smiles on Sheila's and Amber's faces after the challenge had ended.  It had just felt odd to have the teenagers looking at them so differently.

Jack let out a growl and then went to the study.  Even through their family time, Daniel had been quiet towards him.  He'd talked plenty with the brood, but he'd barely acknowledged his husband.  Now, with the children in bed, the house locked up, and Daniel giving him the proverbial cold shoulder, Jack decided to chill out in the study.

“Looks like it's you and me,” the general said to the current issue of 'Mad Magazine'.

====

Not quite forty-five minutes later, Jack was sprawled out on the old, comfy sofa, reaching the end of the publication.  Suddenly, he heard singing over the intercom and immediately lowered the magazine to his chest.  He stared at the speaker, wondering if he was losing his mind.

Slowly, Jack sat up, placing the magazine on the sofa cushion.  He remained there for a minute, just taking in the strange sound of his lover.  As he approached the intercom, he stared at the device as the strange words filtered through.  He was grateful the sophisticated intercom system allowed for specific communication between any two given rooms without going through the entire house.

~The brood would fear for Daniel's sanity,~ Jack thought if the children could hear their younger father now.  ~What did he say?~ he said, cocking his head as he listened to the playful tone of his husband.  “Wiggle if you're wigglin' free?” he repeated questioningly of the most current line.

“Gonna giggle while you're jigglin' in a wigglin' spree,” Daniel sang.

~Okay, he's lost his mind,~ Jack opined as he quickly made his way to the master bedroom.  “Danny?”  Hearing more of his lover's wiggling lyrics, he headed into the bathroom.  “Daniel, what are you ...”  Jack grinned at his naked lover and expressed, “Oh, Danny!”

“Come on in, Babe.  We're gonna wiggle and jiggle the night away,” Daniel spoke enticingly, standing in their large tub, which was full of blue Jell-O.  “And we can eat this Jell-O.”

“I think I'll just eat you,” Jack said as he quickly disrobed.  He began to sing:

“It's a tight squeeze
So come on please
Give me some wiggle room
That's what I want.”

Daniel joined in as their bodies began to be lost in the Jell-O goo:

“Do it if you're bad
Do it if you're little
Do it with a jiggle
When you're looking for a giggle
Anywhere, anytime, anyone can wiggle
W-I-G-G-L-E.”

Together, the lovers wiggled and jiggled their bodies into a fusion that clearly communicated that all's fair in love and gelatin, especially when you're madly in love and lust with each other.

~~Finis - Finished - Done - The End - But is it ever Really?~~
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