Big Mouth

Author: Orrymain
Category:  Slash, Humor, Romance, Established Relationship
Pairing:  Jack/Daniel ... and it's all J/D
Rating:  PG-13
Season:  Beyond the Series - September 7, 2010
Spoilers:  None
Size:  15kb, ficlet
Written:  April 20, May 18, June 6, July 11-12, 2005  Tweaked:  September 22, 2007
Summary:  Foot-in-mouth disease hits Jack big time, and General Hammond isn't happy about it.
Disclaimer:  Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't.  A gal can dream though!
1) Sometimes, Jack and Daniel speak almost telepathically.  Their “silent” words to each other are indicated by asterisks instead of quotes, such as **Jack, we can't.**
2) Silent, unspoken thoughts by various characters are indicated with ~ in front and behind them, such as ~Where am I?~
3) This fic was inspired, in part, by a true life story.  Thanks to Robert for the inspiration!
4) Thanks to my betas who always make my fics better:  Claudia, QuinGem, Allexandrya!

Big Mouth
by Orrymain

It was raining out, and Jack cursed the weatherman who had predicted sunny skies for the early September day.  He had gone for a jog around the neighborhood and was still a good ten minutes from home when the drops began to pour from the sky.  By the time he got home, he was drenched.

“Someone should shoot those guys,” Jack mumbled.  “'It'll be warm and sunny out', he says.  Right.  'No chance of rain until the weekend', he says. Right.  What idiot gave that idiot a degree in meteorology?”

Daniel heard his soulmate's disgruntled muttering from the kitchen where he was preparing breakfast for their brood.  He chuckled, but didn't say anything.

~Watch your six, Love.  I just have a feeling today is going to be one of those days.~


“Senator Vargas, with all due respect, which isn't much,” Jack spoke, the last phrase coming out of the side of his mouth, “are you cracked?”  He was at the SGC in the midst of a meeting with several Pentagon officials and two senators who reminded him a lot of the now-deceased Senator Kinsey.  ~Geez, what did Kinsey do?  Give them lessons on how to be a fool?~

Both of the officials spoke loudly, possessed an air of arrogance, and clearly had their own agendas, neither of which involved supporting the SGC's request for an increase in their funding.

“General, you have no idea how much it costs to keep this place running,” Vargas stated.

~This is old.  Been there, done this,~ Jack sighed.  “Last I heard, sevenish.”

Vargas sneered, “That was a long time ago, General.  Where's the return on all this money?”

“I don't know,” Jack answered sarcastically.  “Maybe it's in the fact that we're all still alive, and free, without snakes in our heads.”
Senator Vargas just shook his head in apathy, causing Jack to groan at the combination of ignorance and arrogance.

“Oh, for crying out loud, look around, Senator,” Jack challenged.  “We have thirty-five SGC teams, three of which are now Russian teams.  Eight of those teams do nothing but archaeological exploration and cultural research, bringing back valuable information that has aided our own technology.  Have you checked out the research labs?  Forget the ones at Area 51; I'm talking about the ones here.  Just stay away from Doctor Lee's lab; I wouldn't wish that on anyone.”

“Jack,” General Hammond warned.

“General O'Neill ...” Vargas said, standing up to leave.

“That's Jackson-O'Neill,” Jack bristled, only correcting the man because Vargas annoyed the heck out of him.

Jack had stood up as well and aggravated a glaring Vargas simply smiling in response to the intense look.

~He hates that; isn't that a shame,~ the silver-haired general thought as he waited impatiently for the next 'dumb' comment to come out of the politician's mouth.

“Let's leave your personal life out of the military,” Vargas responded with disdain.

“I didn't ask to come back.  I'm here because the President of the United States *begged* me to come back.  Tell me again ... why are you here?” Jack asked, his hands opening out in front of him as he shrugged and jutted his head out just slightly in question.

“Jack,” Hammond said a bit more quietly.

“General, you're a lunatic.  Senator Kinsey ...”

Jack groused at the verbiage, interrupting the politician by saying, “Your mentor, no doubt, and if I'm a lunatic, that makes you a pathetic crackpot, and what little brains you may have had, have all seeped out through the pot's cracks.”

“General,” Vargas glared as he continued.  “Senator Kinsey once called the Stargate a Pandora's Box, and I happen to agree with him.”

“Then you're as much of an ...”

“GENERAL!” Hammond barked just in time.

As much as Hammond enjoyed watching Jack antagonize Pentagon administrators, he didn't want to spend the next couple of days on the phone soothing ruffled feathers.

“You have a big mouth, General O'Neill,” Vargas accused.

“I need it.  If you knew the size of what I needed it for ...”  Seeing the stunned expressions, Jack silenced himself.  He hadn't meant to say that.  ~Crap!~ “Never mind,” he said, sitting down and back in his chair.  Still, he couldn't help himself.  “Of course, you wouldn't know anything about, uh, *big*,” he paused, unmistakably staring at the man's mid-section.  “Shrinkage, maybe, but, not *big*.”

Hammond just shook his head, wondering just how Jack had evaded court-martial for so many years.

~Oh, yes; he's a hero!~ the lieutenant general thought.


Meanwhile, back at the Jackson-O'Neill home, the Munchkins and the twins were eating a snack at the table located in the kitchen nook.  They were chattering away in kid-speak; that is, two-to-four word sentences that made no sense to anyone but them.

Daniel was taking the opportunity to get a head start on dinner by preparing a meat loaf.  He chuckled softly listening to the nonsensical conversation.

~Wish I knew what they were talking about.~

“You pull K'tie,” Ricky said to Jenny.

“K'tie toy roll,” the redheaded little girl responded.

“Bij jump fall,” Jonny added to the mix.

“Tree tumble,” Little Danny said next.

“No like sqeets,” Aislinn said.

“Wet better,” Jonny replied.

“Hide toy sock,” Ricky said.

“Sqeets hide,” Jenny added.

“Joke funny,” Little Danny chuckled.

“Bee roll,” Jonny said, which suddenly had all five of the youngsters laughing hysterically.

Daniel looked over and shook his head.  His logic circuits were desperately trying to figure out the discussion.

~Let's see.  It rained, and there was a sock and a toy, and Katie fell down? And ... the tree tumbled?  Oh, I give up.  Kid Talk: one language I will never master.~

A few minutes later, Daniel looked over and saw Ricky taking giant bites of his yogurt, literally shoving heaping spoonful after spoonful into his little mouth.  Then he grabbed a graham cracker and began scarfing it down.

“Whoa!  Ricky, slow down, and don't take such big bites.  Take little bites,” Daniel suggested as he turned, wiping his hands on a towel as he moved toward the table.

With his mouth full, Ricky replied, “BoiDaEeeeThis.”

“What?” Daniel asked, totally confused.  “No, wait.  Finish that bite ... slowly.” He waited until the child had swallowed.  “Okay, now what did you say?”

“Dad eat like this.”

“Yeah, Dad take big bites,” Jonny added.

“No help from the gallery,” Daniel warned lightly.  “Ricky, Dad is bigger than you.  He has a bigger mouth; you have a little mouth.  Take little bites from now on, okay?”

“Want eat like Dad,” Ricky whined.

“You can take that up with Dad when he gets home, but he's going to tell you the same thing.  He's bigger, and you're smaller.”

“Okay,” Ricky agreed reluctantly, taking a smaller bite next.

Daniel rolled his eyes and returned to his meat loaf preparation.


Sometime later, the archaeologist answered the phone, surprised to hear General Hammond on the phone, especially when he sounded so formal and maybe even a little harsh with his greeting.

“What can I do for you, General?”

“In the first place, you could tell General Jackson-O'Neill not to turn off his cell phone.”

Hammond's tone informed Daniel that Jack had indeed had one of those days, to the point of turning off his regular cell phone to escape the repercussions.  Of course, Jack would have his private pager on, the one that only he and Daniel had the number to.  It also told him that whatever had transpired had included Hammond, and it was obvious that the three-star general wasn't a happy camper about it.

“Is something wrong?” Daniel inquired.

“I needed to remind him of our meeting with the Nox next week.  It's been moved up to Tuesday, if that's not a problem.”

“I don't think it is, but I'll have Jack verify it and get back to you.  General, is there something else?  I mean, uh, you sound ...”

“Doctor Jackson, I'd appreciate it if you would remind your ... *husband*,” Hammond said, deciding to use the married term to help make his point, “that illustrating his points by referring to certain body parts and their size, and whose is,” he coughed, “of larger proportion is not exactly appropriate when talking to United States senators, especially those who have control of the SGC's funding.  Do I make myself clear?”

Daniel was stunned.  He didn't even know what to say.  Surely, Hammond wasn't saying what he thought he was, was he?

“Sir, are you saying that Jack ...”

“Daniel, Senator Vargas does not care whose is bigger, nor does he appreciate the implication that his pales in comparison.  Please have the general verify the change in meeting dates.”

“Yes, General,” Daniel responded weakly.  His words were followed quickly by a click as Hammond disconnected from the call.  Still stunned, he tried to shake off the feeling that he was in the Twilight Zone that his lover so often spoke of.  “Babe, sometimes, you do have a big mouth.”

From the doorway, Ricky turned to Jenny and said, “See, Daddy say 'gain.  Dad have big mouth!”


At 4 p.m., Jack groaned as he walked through the door.  He'd had politicians up to his neck, and all he wanted now was to disappear into a hot tub and make love with his husband.  There was only one problem.

~No, make that eight ... oops, forgot the dogs, so that's ten reasons ... crap, now there's a cat -- a cat, a friggin' cat; we have a cat, for crying out loud!~

Jack grumbled.  As much as he loved and adored his family (and even the cat, if he told the truth), sometimes, for very brief seconds, he missed the old days when there was no one but his sexy soulmate to occupy his mind.

“Dad, Dad!” a voice shouted out as a tiny body ran towards him.

So much for the brief seconds of wanting solitude.  Seeing his son gave Jack life. It could rain every morning if it meant coming home to the smiling faces of their happy and healthy children.

“Hey, Ricky.  How's my boy today?” a now-smiling Jack inquired.

“Daddy say yours is big'r.”

Stunned, Jack blinked, knelt down to be eye-level with the boy, and asked, “What?”

“Daddy say yours big'r.”

“That's a first,” a now-confused Jack stated, shaking his head.

“You have big mouth, Dad!” Ricky exclaimed.

“Excuse me?”

Ricky repeated, “Daddy say you have big mouth.”

“Hi, Babe,” Daniel greeted, walking towards the entranceway having come in from the backyard.  “What's wrong?”

“Mine is ... bigger?” Jack asked as he looked upward at his soulmate.

Jack's gaze rested momentarily on Daniel's groin before focusing on his lover's eyes, and he wondered if he'd manage to trick his spouse into agreeing that his was indeed 'bigger'.

“Nooooo,” Daniel replied, smiling.  “Whatever gave you that idea?” the younger man asked a bit evasively with a lilt in his voice.

“Our son.”

Ricky twisted his body to look at Daniel and stated, “You say Dad big'r!”

“Oh, yes, that.  You're right,” Daniel agreed.

“Daniel?” Jack asked in a 'would you please explain what is going on' tone.

“Dad have big mouth,” Ricky asserted.

“I'll explain later,” Daniel said, adding, “but from what I've heard, Jack, you do have a big mouth, in more ways than one.”

Jack saw the twinkle in his eye, and his curiosity was at a peak.

“I think you'd better tell me now,” Jack demanded as he stood up and walked to his husband.

“Make me,” Daniel teased.

“Why you ...”  Jack pulled his husband in for a long, lingering kiss; then slapped him on the rear end.  “Tell me.”

“Not in front of the children.”

“I'll do more than that,” Jack promised, his hand fondling Daniel's butt, though it was out of Ricky's sight, “if you don't fess up.”

“Food,” Daniel said flatly.

“Food?” Jack asked quizzically.

“Food,” the blue-eyed lover stated definitively.

“Daniel!” Jack exclaimed in frustration.  **I've had a heck of a day.**

**So I've heard.  The general called.**

**Vargas is a moron.**

**I can't believe you said what you said, although I'm ... not even sure exactly what you said.  Jack, what did you say ... exactly?**

**I'll tell you later,** Jack retaliated with a smile.

Daniel chuckled, “Come on, Love.  Let's go outside, and I'll tell you all about your big mouth, and then you can tell me all about your big mouth.”

The couple kissed again.

“This place may be a madhouse, and the world can be crazy, but, geez, having you and our zoo gives me life,” Jack said happily.

“It's our sanity, even when it's insane,” Daniel observed, chuckling lightly.

Jack smiled as he reached out to caress his lover's right cheek as they each took a silent moment to reconnect.  Then he motioned with his head towards the backyard.

“At least it stopped raining,” Jack commented as the two headed for the patio door.  Glancing back, he urged, “Come on, Son.  You can help Daddy tell me why mine is bigger.”  He felt the gentle slap on his chest and chuckled, “I love you, too, Angel.”

“Jack?” Daniel whispered.

“Yes, Babe?”

“I love your big mouth.”

“And I love your big ...”


Jack laughed as the lovers headed for their backyard with Ricky toddling behind them.  The day was young for a family with so much love, and they had plans to enjoy each and every minute of it with their brood.

~~Finis - Finished - Done - The End - But is it ever Really?~~
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