Colonel Mustard in the Study

Author:  Orrymain
Category:  Pre-Slash, Smarm, Humor, Drama
Pairing:  Jack/Daniel ... and it's all J/D
Rating:  PG-13
Season:  S1 - March 6, 1997
Spoilers:  None
Size:  24kb, ficlet
Written:  February 26-28, March 3,13-14,18,25, 2011
Summary:  During a mission, one member of SG-1 learns a bit too much about inhibition.
Disclaimer:  Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't.  A gal can dream though!
1)  Silent, unspoken thoughts by various characters are indicated with ~ in front and behind them, such as ~Where am I?~
2) Thanks to my betas who always make my fics better:  Classic, Navi!

Colonel Mustard in the Study
by Orrymain

“What are you looking at?” Jack asked while strapping on his weapons gear in the gate room.

“Just ... the event horizon,” Daniel replied, his eyes taking in the blue water-like puddle that existed within the circular boundaries of the ancient device.  “I mean, uh, it's pretty amazing to think about what the Stargate does.”

“You mean turn us into teeny, tiny, itty-bitty pieces and then put us back together again?”

Daniel looked at Jack, amused at the simple description of how the large, circular piece of alien technology worked.

“I prefer not to think about that part of it,” Daniel admitted.  ~I like my body to be pieced together just the way it is; I really don't want to think about what would happen if those pieces were turned around.~

“At least we don't freeze to death anymore,” Jack remarked, referring to improvements that had been made to alleviate that original characteristic of Gate travel.  It used to be that ice crystals actually formed on the team's faces when they emerged on the other side of the Gate.  ~Not fun.~

“It's still a little bumpy, though.”

“Carter's working on it,” Jack smirked proudly.

“Jack, it doesn't do any good to threaten her with a transfer to ... uh ...”

“Siberia, Elmendorf, any little pocket of nowhere,” Jack completed smugly.  Realizing he needed to be clearer, he elaborated, “Daniel, no one in the military wants to work in a hole in the wall.”

“Yes, but ...”

“A little late, aren't we, Carter?” Jack stated upon seeing his second-in-command entering the gate room.

~I wish he wouldn't cut me off like that,~ the archaeologist bemoaned privately.

“Sorry, Sir.  I wanted to check the dialing program.”


“It was a little wonky last night when SG-2 left on their recon.”

“Wonky?” Jack and Daniel repeated at the same time, causing both of them to look at the other in surprise.

“Well, you see, Sir, the calibration ...”

Jack raised his hand, shut his eyes, and interrupted his 2IC by saying, “Carter, it's too early in the morning for your techno mumbo-jumbo.  I'll just accept that the computer was wonky.”

“Yes, Sir,” Sam acknowledged with a small smile.

“You might as well be babbling like a baby,” Jack complained in a mumble.  He looked up and smiled in a pleased expression of the concept that had just formed in his mind.  “Technobabble.”

“Technobabble?” Daniel echoed.

“Technobabble: words, phrases, sentences, and/or endless paragraphs used by blonde scientific second-in-commands to confuse, befuddle, mystify, and otherwise drive their commanding officers into boredom, ennui, and basic indifference.  Technobabble, also known as prattling.”

“Oh,” Daniel responded.  “I'm glad you clarified that to apply to *blonde* scientists.”

“Not the prattling part,” Jack corrected, taking back that part of his definition.  “It applies to *all* scientists.”

“I'll remember that,” Daniel replied, suddenly not as thrilled by his teammate's new word.

“I'll try not to use technobabble too much, Colonel,” Sam interjected.  ~I'm sure I can come down to his intellectual level if I try hard enough,~ her mind retorted sarcastically.

“I'd appreciate that, Carter.”

“CaptainCarter is wise,” the usually quiet Teal'c declared in a monotone voice.

“Yes, she is,” Jack agreed.  Suddenly, he had a nasty feeling he'd just missed out on a joke.  “Explain that.”

The Jaffa held his head up high, as was his prideful norm, and responded, “It would not be advisable for a subordinate to speak over the head of their superior, O'Neill.”

“Right.  So?”

Daniel almost smiled, licking his lips to stop the facial expression from forming too overtly, while Sam chortled, giving Teal'c a nod of gratitude.  Jack grimaced as he caught on and let out a groan of dissatisfaction.

“You started it, Jack,” Daniel pointed out, inwardly chuckling when the colonel let out a tiny growl and faced front again.

From the control room, General Hammond looked down at his flagship team.  The concept of sending his people through a circular object known as the Stargate was almost unimaginable.  It was something he could not have dreamed of at the beginning of his military career, but here he was about to give the order.  Dressed in his Class A uniform, which he regularly wore at the base, he leaned forward and opened the microphone.

“SG-1, you have a go to P3X-595.  God speed.”

“Thank you, Sir,” Jack called out from the gate room.  “Move out,” he ordered his team.


“Carter, let's work on not sending our collective butts rolling through alien soil,” Jack whined as he found himself face down on the grass.

“That was a little ... bumpy,” Daniel put forth.

“Sorry,” Sam apologized.  “We're working on improvements.”

“You do that ... improve,” the colonel snarked as he pulled a clump of grass out of his mouth and slowly stood up.

The team regained their footing and looked around.  The Stargate was in the middle of a highly wooded area.  The trees were curved, their trunks only about eight- or nine-inches thick.  They were barren, with twisted branches between two- and five-inches in diameter interlocked with the trees around it.

“There must be thousands of them,” Sam observed as she walked forward a few feet.

“It's like a ... a dome,” Daniel commented, his head leaning back to look directly above him.

“It is indeed strange,” Teal'c stated as he placed his staff weapon with its base to the ground.

“Well, so are we,” Jack half teased.  “Let's find the little green aliens.”

“Jack, you know the aliens aren't little and green,” Daniel corrected as the team began their journey.

“How do you know?  Been here before?” Jack quipped.

Daniel tilted his head to the right slightly.  He had to admit that no one knew what the aliens would be like on this world, or any other world for that fact.


The team had walked roughly two miles, noting that the tree dome had not lessened in density, when they came upon an interesting location.

“Okay, this is different,” Jack stated curiously, his hands firmly grasped to his MP-5.  “Daniel, what would you call this?”

“Well, I'd call it a ... actually, I have no idea,” Daniel replied as he stepped up onto a round, circular pad.

The circular pad was raised up five inches from the grass.  It looked and felt like dirt.  The circle was fifty feet in diameter and at its center was a huge tree, bigger than all of the other ones.

“Looks like a redwood,” the colonel observed, leaning his head back to look upward.  “Big sucker.”

“It's at least six times as wide as the other trees,” Sam pointed out.

“Why would there be a redwood in the middle of all of these ... uh, whatever they are?” Daniel asked curiously.

“Well from the way all of the other trees tie into it, I'd say it's the ... uh, the ... well, it must be the ...”

“Mama tree?” Jack queried lightly.

“Since when do trees have ... mamas?” Daniel inquired.

“Ask the trees,” the colonel replied with a shrug.

“These appear to be pathways,” Teal'c pointed out from his vantage point at the far side of the circular pad.

There were fourteen walkways that intersected at the pad.

“I feel like I'm in the middle of a large asterisk,” Daniel remarked lightly.

“I prefer exclamation points,” Jack mocked.  Seeing the team's looks, he explained, “More orderly; chain of command.”

“Figures,” Daniel responded with a hint of snark in his tone.  “Maybe it's a meeting place.”

“That would make sense,” Sam agreed.

“Well, there's nothing here.  Let's keep moving,” Jack ordered.


“Do you hear that?” Sam questioned, stopping suddenly about a half a mile from the circular pad.

“Sounds like a ... a siren,” Daniel suggested.

“Warning someone about ... us?” Jack wondered aloud.

“We are the aliens to this world, O'Neill,” Teal'c stated as he scanned their surroundings further.

With a nod, the colonel warned, “Be on your toes.”


“What is that?” Jack asked as he pointed ahead.

“Looks like a mansion to me,” Daniel answered, giving his friend an amused grin.

The sirens were blaring and as he looked around, Jack noticed the loudspeakers that surrounded the huge home.  Annoyed, he walked to the end of the long pathway that led to the front door.

Shouting, the team leader called out, “Listen up!  I'm Jack O'Neill from the planet Earth.  We're friends, but will you *please* turn off those sirens?  They're giving me an earache.”

The team waited, not sure what to expect.

“Well, it was a worth a shot,” Jack commented a minute later, his ears still ringing from the shrill of the sirens.

“I'll remember that,” Daniel responded.

~What's up with him?~  Jack stared at his friend, trying to figure out the puzzle that was Daniel Jackson.  Not having any success at the moment, he remarked, “You sure are snarky today.”

“Snarky?  What's that?” the younger man asked with complete innocence.

“Never mind.”

Daniel turned around and smiled knowingly as he walked over to see what was on the other side of the road.  Then he caught sight of something important.

“Uh, Jack.”

Jack, Sam, and Teal'c approached cautiously, becoming aware of a gathering of men and women.  The aliens resembled humans except for two quarter-inch marks on each side of their foreheads.  Their dress was peasant style, very modest and rather plain for the most part.  The attire befitted farmers or those from a small, country town on Earth.

“Hello,” Daniel greeted.  “I'm ... Daniel Jackson.  This is Colonel O'Neill, and that's Samantha Carter, and he's Teal'c.  We're peaceful explorers from Earth.  We came through the, uh, the Stargate.”  He grimaced a tad from the loud noise that was bothering the team greatly.  “Ah, look, we don't mean any harm, but those sirens, they really are harsh.  Can you please turn them off?”

“Daniel, I tried that already.  It's no ...” Jack paused, frowning when the sirens stopped, “... use.”

“Excuse me, Sir, but did you hear that?” Sam interjected.

“Yes, Carter, it's called silence.”

“That's not what I meant, Colonel.  Did you hear their reaction when Daniel said your name?  And look at them; they're staring.”

“At you,” Daniel pointed out as he gazed at the natives of the planet.  ~I have a bad feeling about this.  I've seen that look before.~

“You are not Colonel,” a man accused harshly from the crowd.

“I'm not liking the sound of this,” Jack whispered to his teammates as the crowd's murmuring became louder and hostile sounding.

“He is a colonel,” Daniel maintained calmly.  “Colonel is a rank in the United States Air Force.  Uh, that's where we're from, the United States, in America.  It's ... uh, our country.  Earth has almost two-hundred countries.  We all live on Earth, our planet.”

“Not Colonel ... attack!”

SG-1 aimed their weapons and prepared to fight as they fled, but just then a man emerged from the mansion.  He called out a command, after which the natives completely ceased their hostility.

“Welcome to Mustard's World,” the man greeted.  “I am Colonel Mustard.”

“Like the game?” Jack heard himself ask.

“What is game?” the tall, stalky, white-haired man questioned.

“Something we amuse ourselves with,” Sam explained.

“How did you get here?” Mustard questioned.

“Through the Stargate,” Daniel answered.  “Big circle with the muddy grass in front of it.”

“The Study.”

“Study?” Jack and Daniel asked in unison.

~Okay, all I need to know now is the murder weapon and we are done,~  Jack thought in amusement as he pondered the similarity between this real life situation and that of the board game, Clue.

“It is our place of learning.  We go through to learn of other worlds and bring back what is worth retaining, to make ourselves better.”

“Oh,” Daniel expressed amid his confusion.  “I guess that's one way to use it.”

“You use the Study differently?”

“Well, yes, no, yes ...”

“He means we use it as transportation, a way to travel the universe and meet good folks like yourself,” Jack interrupted his uncertain linguist.

“We just want to get to know you and ... them,” Daniel stated, twisting around and pointing toward the gathered citizens.

“We will orgy.”

“Excuse me?” Jack, Daniel, and Sam all questioned, their individual queries stepping over one another's.

“This way,” Mustard encouraged with a wave of his hand.

Skeptical and curious, SG-1 followed Mustard with the citizens trailing them.


At the circular pad area, the merriment was obvious.  Well over a hundred of the locals were in attendance, having brought out refreshments, music, and their celebratory decor.  Some had changed their clothing into more festive and somewhat less modest dress.

“You do not call this orgy?” Mustard asked.

“We just call it a party,” Sam responded, feeling relief that Mustard's use of the word 'orgy' was more tame than Earth's version of it.  “Colonel Mustard ...”

“Colonel is fine.”

“You have military forces here?”

“Military?  Explain.”

“Groups of people to fight your battles.”

“We have no battles to fight.  We are peaceful, as you say you are.”

“We are peaceful, but if you don't have military, how did you get your rank?”


“Your title -- Colonel, like Colonel O'Neill?” Sam asked.

“Colonel is my name, as it is his name,” Mustard stated, pointing over at Jack, who was talking with two of the female natives.

“No, Colonel O'Neill's first name is Jack.  His military rank is colonel, like I'm a captain.”  Sam smiled, realizing the man didn't understand what she was saying.  “Colonel, in our society we have the military to defend ourselves in wars and conflicts.  Um, it has structure and order, and chains of command.  I'm a captain, but the colonel is a colonel.  He outranks me.”

“And Daniel and Teal'c?”

“Oh, well, Daniel is a civilian.  He works with us, but he's not military, and Teal'c is from another world.  He's an ally, so he doesn't have a rank.”

“Your world is confusing, Captain.”

“It can be.”


Three hours later, SG-1 and the natives were definitely enjoying getting to know one another.  Jack was teaching several of the young children how to play Mother May I, though he changed it to Colonel May I and had a great time saying 'no' more than 'yes'.  Daniel was enjoying himself by asking dozens of questions to just about anyone who would stop to talk with him, while Teal'c was having his own fun, having discovered two brawny types who were as good at staring as he was.  In fact, the three were doing nothing but staring at each other, waiting to see who would blink first.

As for Sam, she was still with Colonel Mustard, enjoying his company.  He'd shared a lot of the local cuisine and beverages with the curious captain.

“This is our special drink.  We call it HiSyla.”

“HiSyla,” Sam echoed as she took the class.  “What's in it?”

“It is made with the fruits of our land.”

“Oh, great,” the blonde acknowledged as she sipped the drink.  “It's very good.”  She drank some more.  “Wow.  I really love this.”

“More,” Mustard stated as he refilled her glass.


“So, your history is a secret?” Daniel asked a local woman who was holding a drink.

“No, it is just not of our concern,” the woman returned.  “We care only about today.  Yesterday is gone.”

“But you can learn so much from your past.”

“We learn from the Study, from what is happening now on other worlds.  It is more valuable.”

“No, I ...”  Daniel ceased his argument as he glimpsed something occurring several yards away.  “Uh, excu...excuse me.”  He walked towards the action, calling out, “Jack!”


In another area, Jack smirked, “No, you may not.”

“Colonel O'Neill, this game is no fun.”

“I think it's fun.”

“That is because you are telling us what to do,” the child replied.

“You're right.  You can be the colonel now,” Jack stated, pointing emphatically at the youngster.  ~About time.~

“How come?” the girl asked.  “Why didn't you let one of us be the colonel earlier?”

“You have to learn to speak up when you think someone is doing something wrong.  I took advantage.  You should have kicked me out on my bum a long time ago.”

“What's a bum?”

“That's my rear,” Jack informed the group, patting his backside.  That's when he heard Daniel's call.  “Kids, gotta go.”


The colonel jogged through the partying people and caught up with his archaeologist.

“Daniel, what's the ...”

“I think we should do something,” Daniel stated as he pointed to the crowd across from him.

“Maybe,” Jack replied, his eyes smiling more than his mouth was.

Standing on a table, Sam was in the process of stripping.  Her gear was completely stowed beneath the table, with her green jacket having already been tossed onto the ground.  Her hips jutting back and forth, she suddenly took off her black top, revealing her bare bra-clad torso.


“Hey, she's a woman.  Let her roar!”


“She has freedom of choice.”

“Jack!” the archaeologist stated forcibly.

“Sometimes, Daniel, you're no fun.”  With a regretful grunt, the colonel jumped up the circular pad and walked hurriedly to the table where Sam was performing her spontaneous striptease.  “Carter.”

“Hello, Colonel,” greeted Sam in an unusually perky voice.

“Carter, you took off your blouse.”

“Huh?” the bewildered captain exclaimed, looking down.

“You're wearing your bra.”

“Oh, I can take that off.”

“*Holy no you don't!*” Jack shouted, reaching up and pulling his 2IC down.  “Daniel!”

Daniel had already stepped onto the pad and picked up Sam's jacket.  He quickly joined Jack, helping him to put the jacket on their inebriated teammate.

“I'm hot,” Sam complained.

“And I need a shower,” Jack replied.  “A cold one.”

Daniel just rolled his eyes.

“You do not like orgy?” Colonel Mustard queried the men.

“No!” Jack and Daniel exclaimed together.


“Now that was my idea of a fun mission,” Jack mused as he retrieved a beer out of the refrigerator.  “Want one?”

“No, thank you,” Daniel replied as he began to fix himself a cup of coffee.  ~Doesn't he like Starbuck's?~ he sighed as he stared at the can of coffee that could not compare to his beloved Arabian Mocha blend.

“Carter doing that sashay was memorable.”

“You mean you don't intend to let her forget it,” Daniel surmised.

“It should come in handy at some strategic point in the future.”


“Maybe.  I'll just keep it in here,” the colonel stated, his finger tapping on the side of his head.

“Lots of vacant space there to store it in,” Daniel teased as he snorted into his mug.

“Daniel, what's with the zingers?”


“You've been zinging me all day.”

“No, I haven't.”

“Yes, you have,” the older man insisted.




“Zingers, Daniel!  All kinds of zingers; you've been plain snarky.”


“Not this time, Daniel.  You're a friggin' linguist.  You know what snarky is.”

“Okay, I guess I do ... and,” the younger man continued, drawing out the length of the word 'and', “I guess I have been ... snarky.”

“Why?” Jack questioned curiously and then sighed contentedly at his next taste of his brew.  “You still mad about having to do basic training?”

“What?  Oh, no, I'm over that,” Daniel returned, referring to his recent experience at having to pass a specialized version of the Air Force's basic training course.

“Then what's got your goat?”


“Cold?” Jack questioned.  “Look, Daniel, when I made that crack about the cold shower, I was just being a wise guy.  Carter's just Carter, one of the guys.  Besides, you know how I feel about my wife.”

“Yes, I know, but that's not it.”

Jack thought and then realized, “Yeah, you were snarky this morning even.”

“You used all the hot water,” the archaeologist revealed.  ~I don't like taking a shower in cold water.~


“Jack, you were in the bathroom for over an hour.  There wasn't any hot water left.  It made me ... grouchy.”

Jack stared for a minute and then laughed, “Sorry, Danny.  I forgot you're a hot one.”

Daniel stared, confused by the comment.  He had no clue what Jack was talking about.

Realizing the archaeologist's confusion, Jack clarified, “Hot one: man who needs heat: desert baby where anything below seventy is considered freezing.”

“Oh, okay, I guess.”

“I apologize.  I won't do it again,” Jack chuckled and took another swig of beer.  He had to admit he hadn't even thought about the water issue that morning.  He'd grown up in Illinois and Minnesota where seventy degrees was considered a scorcher.  After another moment's contemplation, he put forth, “It's a good thing we didn't drink any of that stuff.”

“The HiSyla?”

“Whatever, but high was the word for it.  Carter's still buzzing.”

“Doctor Warner's keeping her on base, isn't he?” the archaeologist asked as he checked on his coffee.

“Total precautionary, but he wants to make sure there isn't some side effect we don't know about, like Carter going to the mall to give another show.”

“I saw you playing with those kids,” Daniel remarked about his observation.  ~You looked so alive being one of the kids.~  He smiled to himself as he noted, ~But then you are a big kid.~

“Yeah.  Kids are kids, and I miss ...”  Jack trailed off, quickly downing a third of his beer.  “Danny, let's get drunk.”

“I'm ... having coffee.”

“I don't want to think,” Jack whispered.  “Kids.”

Daniel stared at his coffee and then unplugged the coffee maker.  He went to the refrigerator and pulled out a couple of six packs of beer.

“Roof?” the archaeologist asked.

“You're okay, Danny.”

“You're not so bad yourself, Jack.”

Their friendship was still new and still growing, but already Jack and Daniel were learning that they could count on the other when needed.  Just now, Jack had somehow begun to think about his deceased son, who had died by using Jack's pistol which had been left unsecured in a nightstand.  He didn't want to think about that right now, and being sensitive to that awareness and pain, Daniel did what he had to do, he supported his teammate, friend, and current landlord.

In silence, the two men climbed the ladder to the roof deck, settled down next to each other with their backs against the wall of the house, and began to drink beer after beer, joking about Sam's unfortunate yet humorous behavior on P3X-595, the planet's odd leader who had a rank for a given name, and whatever else happened to come to mind.

~~Finis - Finished - Done - The End - But is it ever Really?~~
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