The Cycle of Life
Author: Orrymain
Category: Pre-Slash, Missing Scene/Epilogue, POV - Jack
Pairing: Jack/Daniel ... and it's all J/D
Rating: PG-13
Season: 2 - June 26, 1998
Spoilers: Serpent's Lair and a whole bunch of shows from Season 1
Size: 21kb, short story
Written: November 30, December 1-2,6,8,15, 2003 Tweaked:
July 30, 2004 Revised for consistency: January 14, 2007
Summary: Jack's thoughts as he mourns Daniel's “dying” on the
Mother Ship and then rejoices at his Space Monkey's resurrection!
Disclaimer: Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were,
especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't. A gal can
dream though!
Notes:
1) This fic stands alone, but it does reference my past fic(s), “Faith
of the Innocent” and “Frozen in Time.”
2) Thanks to my betas who always make my fics better: Drdjlover,
Charlotte, Starshadow, Saki, QuinGem!
The Cycle of Life
by Orrymain
NO! Danny, no! Gawd. What have I done? Why did
I leave you out there alone to cover our six? Why? Because
I knew you could do it, and you did. Look at them ... dead Jaffa
everywhere. You did that, Danny. You covered our six ...
but the price ... the price is too high.
I never thought I'd see this. I don't think I can live through
this, not again, not after Charlie. Oh, Danny, My Love.
You're being so brave, telling me to leave you behind. I can't do
it, Danny. Please don't ask me to leave you here, to die
alone. Danny, don't. I can't. You don't know what
you're asking me.
Die anyway? I guess you're right. You're always
right. We doubted you. I doubted you. Geez, Danny, I
didn't believe you when you told us about the quantum mirror, but you
wouldn't back down. You knew what would happen if you did, and
you couldn't let that happen, no matter how hard we fought you on
it. Thank the Heavens you didn't give up, or Earth would be dead
meat now. You've saved the entire planet, Danny. Not me or
Carter ... but you, Danny, the geek, my geek!
They've killed you, Danny, and me, too, because ... I don't think I can
go on without you. But like you said, I'm dead anyway.
It'll just be on another ship, just a little bit later. It's
hard, Danny, leaving you. I ... I have to touch you.
Your face. Its skin is so soft. Even dying, you're the
sexiest thing I know. I'm not sure I can move, Danny. I
know you want me to. But I love you. Don't you understand
that?
No, you don't. Best friends. That's what we are. But
... it's more for me, Danny. I didn't mean for you to know, but
you found out, and still, still you stayed my best friend. Our
Friday night ritual has grown into so much for me. We're together
all the time. How can I leave you to die all alone?
My hand ... my thumb gently rubs your face. I want to do so much
more. Gawd, Danny, I don't even know how. I've never done
that before ... kissed another man, but I've never wanted anything so
much in my life, than to kiss you now, but I can't. All I can do
is ... this ... my hand on your face.
Feel my love, Danny, that it is real, that no one in the world is
more important to me than you. My geek ... my beautiful
geek.
Yes, I know, I have to go. I have to make sure the other ship is
destroyed as well, and then, Love, I'll join you. Maybe -- maybe
we can be best friends on the other side, too.
I love you, Daniel Jackson. Thank you, for coming into my life,
for rescuing me from a suicide that would have taken a world of
innocent Abydonians with me. Thank you for making me see that
life can be good, for realizing that even with pain, there can be
joy. Thank you, Danny, for showing me that the cycle of life
keeps going.
You would have liked Charlie. He would have loved you.
Goodbye, My Love. I'm so sorry I didn't watch your six. I
should have done better. I love you, Danny.
“He's ... staying behind.”
Don't look at me like that, Carter. Yes, I know what I've
done. I've taken the brightest star in the universe and allowed
it to fade, to ... die. Believe me, yes, I know what I've done, but I
won't let his death be for nothing. We have a job to do, so we're
going to do it ... for Danny ... and then ... then I'll be done.
Bra'tac, you're good, but trust me, a grenade or two will do the
job. Now, let's get off the ship. Gliders should do the
trick. I want to die in space. I want to join My Love, but
I don't want to do it here, surrounded by ... the evil that lives here.
Danny ... he's like a star, bright and shining, full of pulsating
life. He's my love, and I want to remember him, his life.
He taught me that ... with Charlie ... not to dwell on his end, but to
remember happy times. I'm not very good at it, but Danny has made
me try.
It's beautiful out here.
“You know, Captain…this wasn't such a bad day after all.”
Gawd, I'm full of it. Putting on the show to the very end.
Danny. The only good thing about this day is that you didn't die
in vain. You've saved the Earth, and that's what you've always
wanted to do so desperately.
Danny? There's the Endeavor. Oh gawd, we're being
rescued. I can't, Danny. I won't face life without
you. I wanted to die out here. For crying out loud, why
doesn't anything ever go the way I want it to?
Well, okay, we have to go face the music. But I have to deal with
Carter and Teal'c first. Geez, look at Carter. I see the
tears in her eyes. She wants to ask me. I ... I can't.
I let him die, Carter, that's what happened. He covered our six,
saved our butts so we could save the world for him. He ... he's
dead, gone with the ship. I can't, Carter. I can't talk
about this, about him. You don't understand ... you see, I love
him. No, I know you know that, but you see ... I'm in love with
him, and I can't tell you that, so all I can say is ... I'm
sorry. I let him die alone, but he'd be happy you and Teal'c will
have a future, a life. Make it a good one, Carter. Danny
died so you could live ... and Teal'c ... and me ... but I won't -- not
without Danny.
Leave me alone, Teal'c. I need to be alone. I'm going over
here, to this nice little cubby hole. Dang these shuttles.
They need more rooms, rooms where a person can find some peace and
quiet.
“Leave me alone!”
I'm sorry. I just ... I need to be alone, to ... to be with
him. Please -- understand. How can you though?
Oh, Danny. Remember when that creature carried you across the
desert? I swear, I'd never seen anything so funny in my life!
Remember when Carter had to wear that horrible blue dress get-up on
that planet? Geez, you were gaping at her. I had wondered
if maybe there was something between the two of you. I remember
how you had connected on Abydos. Definite sparkage there,
Danny, even if you were already married. You were so cute,
watching Carter in that crazy dress, so amazed. I guess we all
were. It was probably one of the first times we'd seen her
wearing something other than BDUs or Class A's.
Danny, remember the Touched? I wasn't too thrilled with you
hanging out with that Melosha gal, but any anger I had disappeared when
you woke up and called my name -- MY name. It was before I knew I
loved you, but ... it made me feel so ... I don't know. Gawd,
Daniel, anytime you wake up, you ask for me, only for me. It's
that unending trust you have in me ... had in me.
I shouldn't have left you. Crap, Danny, I don't care what you
said. Look at me now. You're dead and I'm alive. It
wasn't supposed to go down like this. It's ... it's all
wrong. No! I'm supposed to be dead now, too! NO! NO!
NO!
Sorry, Carter. Yes, everything is fine. I didn't mean to
yell. I guess it was ... a nightmare. Yes, you'll believe
that. I fell asleep and had a nightmare. Actually, that is
what this life is now ... Danny's dead and my life is a horrid dream.
Danny, remember the wonder on your face when you were looking at the
elements on Ernest's Planet? I'd never seen anything more
beautiful than the look you had then. You were so ... so
enraptured by it all. Oh Danny, I took you away from that, but if
I hadn't, you would have died. I wish I could get that back for
you.
I loved the wonder with which you saw the universe. You had a
vision I could never have. I'm too black and white, too
military. I can't see life the way you do ... the way you
did. You believed in people, Danny, in their goodness.
Gawd, you believed in me, wanted me to be better than I am.
I'm not good, Danny. My past ... it's full of nastiness,
unpleasantness. You wouldn't like it, not at all.
Oh geez. I have to laugh. Remember when Bra'tac took your
hand? He said he could break you like a toothpick! The look
on your face, My Love, was priceless. He sold you short. He
didn't know yet that you were a fighter, that you'd never give
up. He saw a skinny intellectual, not a warrior.
I didn't want you to be a warrior ... but Danny, you died like one,
full of honor and bravery. I heard Teal'c tell Carter that you
died a proud death, free and strong. Courage ... you were full of
that rare commodity. You will be remembered, Danny. I'll
... make sure of it before I ... I do what I have to do. I
promise, Danny. No one will forget you and your sacrifice.
Do you remember that day at the park, Danny? You and Sam brought
Cassie there for the first time, and I gave her Sparky. You
looked so natural with her. Yeah, I know. My jealousy was
causing us some problems at the time, but I'll never forget watching
you with her. How about when we went back to the park again a
couple weeks later? You, me, Carter, Teal'c, the Doc, and
Cass. That was a special day. I remember when the others
left, you and I stayed there for a while. You looked at the
swings with the same wonder as you had looked at the magic on Ernest's
Planet.
I thought you were going to slug me when I made you get on the swing,
and I pushed you higher and higher, like a little kid. I was in
love with you then, still trying to fight it, but I knew. I
wanted you to laugh and smile, to be truly happy, and you know what,
Danny? You did! Do you remember when you started to laugh?
You laughed for a long time. I think that was the first time I
heard you let go like that. I wouldn't let you stop, kept you
swinging for a long time, and then we did the teeter-totter.
Gawd, I thought you'd kill me for that, too, but you were still
laughing.
We played like two little kids for an hour, even climbed the monkey
bars, remember? You know something, Danny? That was the
first time I had laughed like that in a long time, too, and it was
because of you, and your wonderful, infectious laugh. You should
have laughed more, but I guess you didn't have a lot to laugh about in
your life, did you?
I remember after Antarctica when you found out how I felt about
you. I was so scared that you'd run from me. But I should
have known. I should have had the same faith in you that you had
in me, to believe in you with the same intensity.
You didn't flinch, didn't waiver. You brought up that bottle of
Jack Daniels and we got drunk. We were stronger than ever, you
and I. Best friends ... forever. I promised you I wouldn't
push, and I've tried not to ... and we went on, together.
I love you, Danny. I'm sorry I didn't believe you when you
survived that experience in the alternate universe. I'm sorry I
made you work so hard to convince us, that you had to go through that
alone. I was such a fool, but still, you remained my best friend.
Somehow, you've never let my idiot tendencies interfere with our
friendship. Not once. How did you do that? I haven't
a clue, but it makes me love you even more.
The shuttle is landing now, and then it's back to the SGC. I have
to face Hammond and Heaven only knows who else. I have to tell
them ... I ... I lost you ... lost my best friend ... but hey, we saved
the world. They'll be happy, smiling. What a miserable
conflict.
Carter and Teal'c are staying back, giving me room. I haven't
been fair to them, I know that, but I can't talk about it. I have
a game to play. I have to be Colonel O'Neill, the victor, the
killer of evil. I have to ... smile.
I don't want to smile, Danny. I don't feel like it, and I don't
think I'll ever smile again, but I know you'd want me to. The
things I do for love. It's my last gift to you ... playing this
game, not letting the rest of the world see the despair. I'll do
it, Danny, for you, but it'll be the last time.
Okay, I'm ready. Bring it on. I'll smile. What's that
crazy song? Oh yes, “Don't Worry, Be Happy.” I'll do my
duty, make my report, and then I'm going to the apartment, Danny.
I know you'd want me to.
I'll make sure your treasured things are safe. Maybe ... maybe
you'd want Sam to have your journals. You loved her. She's
the only other person in the world I'd let have them. It's either
that or ... gawd, Danny, destroying them would be like killing you ...
like watching you die again.
I can't go through it again, Danny. I'll leave them for
Carter. I'll ... courier them to her, timing it just right.
That would be okay, wouldn't it, Love?
Your fish. What do I do with your fish? I'll ... leave a note for
Carter, ask her to adopt them, so they'll have a good home.
She'll do that for you. You'd want your fish to be cared for
properly. Carter will do that. She loves you, too.
All those books and artifacts. They can go to a museum
somewhere. Hammond will handle that. No, wait. You'd
want it to really mean something ... to help someone. The boys in
the shelter. I'll ... I'll donate them there. You'd like
that, wouldn't you, Danny? I'll just leave some knickknacks
around for the closers. Yeah, I'll take care of it, Danny.
I promise you ... I'll get some good done first, and then ...
And then ... nothing of mine matters, except for the house. It's
a beautiful place. It was so alive when you lived there with me.
Going home was always fun because I knew you'd be there. Gawd, I
sound like a lovesick puppy.
But I am. It may sound like some fifties TV show, but that's what
you've done to me, you with that silly laugh and beautiful smile, you
with that heart of gold, you with all the passion and compassion in the
world. You've changed me, Danny, in ways I can't even define.
So, this is it. We're back at the SGC, about to face the Welcome
Back I'd just assumed would never happen. Forgive me for the
happy face. It's for you, all for you. The applause is all
around. The game plays out. I'm good at this, Danny ... at
playing games.
Bra'tac is a good soldier, and a good man. I'll miss him.
What's that grin on George's face? He looks ... geez, Danny, he
looks like he's about to bust in two. What could have him looking
like that? Doesn't he know? Hasn't anyone told him? I
mean playing the game is one thing, but he's just too jovial. I
know he loved you, thought of you like a son. I don't understand
this.
“SG-1, there's someone who'd like to see you.”
No, it can't be. I saw you ... dying. There was no way, but
George ... it's the only thing that could make him ... no, Danny,
you're dead. I know you're ...
GAWD, YOU'RE ALIVE! Danny! My Danny! It is you ...
looking at me.
Wow, you are looking at me. Carter called your name, but you
didn't even glance her way. Your eyes ... they are focused on me,
only on me.
Danny! I love you ... you're alive. Danny, you're alive!
I don't know what my face looks like, and frankly, I don't give a
darn what anyone else thinks, not even you, because Daniel
Jackson, I'm about to hug you senseless.
You're in my arms. You feel so good, Danny. It is
you. Your scent ... I know it better than anything. Your
darn shaggy hair. Gawd, I love it. I love you ... love you
so much, My Love ... My Danny ... My ...
“Space Monkey! Yeah!”
Danny, I'm feeling again. I think my heart is beating now.
My soul ... it's come back to life. Look at you, grinning.
Danny? You still haven't looked at anyone else. You're only
looking at me. Danny? If I didn't know better, I might
think ... no, that's asking too much. I'd give anything if you
loved me, but that's okay. I’m just glad to have you alive, safe
in my arms. You ... You're just happy to be back, happy we're
alive, too.
Gawd, Daniel, you thought we were dead, didn't you? Oh, My Love,
I didn't realize the pain you must have been in thinking we were ...
It doesn't matter. We'll talk it all out ... tonight. Pizza
and beer -- stargazing on the roof ... just you and me, okay? I
know ... it should be a team thing, but ... Danny, please, one
night. Let me have you tonight ... just so I know I'm not
dreaming.
We'll talk museums and rocks and ... and ... I don't care ... just talk
to me, Danny ... talk my blasted ears off. I want to hear your
voice until I fall asleep. I want to look into your beautiful
blue eyes until I can't hold my eyelids open for another second.
Finally, Carter has moved in for a hug, and Teal'c. I have to
step back, or I'll pull you into my arms again, and I'm afraid I won't
let go. You see ... I don't care what the Marines think, Danny,
because I lost you ... and by some gift of God, you've come back to
me. I won't waste this gift.
I know we're best friends, and I will treasure you forever. And
Danny, I'll never leave you behind again. Don't ask me to,
either, because it so isn't going to happen. Once was enough.
Go on, Space Monkey. Let them have their fill. Soon, I'll
be taking you home. I know, you don't think of it that way, but I
do. I'm going to get you drunk, Danny, and make you laugh and
smile until you're giddy ... and then I'll make sure you are safe in
the spare room, and I'm going to sit and watch you sleep.
I don't think I can leave you alone just yet. Gawd, Daniel, I'm
not sure when I'll ever be able to let you off the leash I've just put
around your neck. Forgive me, Love. And you thought I was
bad before? Whoa, Danny -- you ain't seen nothing yet.
“Okay, I'll meet you back in the locker room after the party.”
I don't want to party much either. We'll make an appearance, and
then we're gonna blow this joint for at least a week.
“Sure, Danny. I'm glad you're okay, too. Should have known
you were impossible to kill.”
Let's get out of here before I start bawling like a baby. Oh, for
crying out loud, I'm getting out of here. Get myself together for
this blasted party.
A last nod to ... Danny? You can't keep your eyes off of
me. Funny, I can't stop looking at you either. Get a grip,
O'Neill, you're letting your heart lead you to places you know don't
exist. He loves Sha're.
Okay, deep breath. I'm going to my office now before I make a big
mistake, and then back to the party.
A last look as you smile while talking to Carter.
Danny? I love you.
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