Spider Pig

Author:  Orrymain
Category:  Slash, Humor, Romance, Established Relationship
Pairing:  Jack/Daniel ... and it's all J/D
Rating:  PG-13
Season:  Beyond the Series - July 27, 2007
Spoilers:  None
Size:  26kb, ficlet
Written:  October 18-19, 2007, January 25-27, February 2,4-5,24, 2008
Summary:  Today is a national holiday, in the mind of Jack Jackson-O'Neill, that is.  For Daniel, however, it's a 'D'oh of Torture'.
Disclaimer:  Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't.  A gal can dream though!
1) “Spider Pig” lyrics by Hans Zimmer.
2) Artwork of the Jackson-O'Neills by Sara Lorne.
3) Sometimes, Jack and Daniel speak almost telepathically.  Their “silent” words to each other are indicated by asterisks instead of quotes, such as **Jack, we can't.**
4) Silent, unspoken thoughts by various characters are indicated with ~ in front and behind them, such as ~Where am I?~
5) Thanks to my betas who always make my fics better:  Lissa, Tammy, Melissa, Linda, Adrienne!

Spider Pig
by Orrymain

“Rise and shine, Danny.  Today's the day!” Jack Jackson-O'Neill exclaimed cheerfully as he gently shook his sleeping husband.

“Go away,” Daniel mumbled, putting a pillow over his head to try and mute out the sound of his lover.

“We have a lot to do today, Danny,” Jack reminded cheerfully, leaning over a bit to pat his lover's derriere.

“Aren't you still sick?  Go back to bed,” the younger man groaned, not moving from underneath the king-sized pillow.

“Danny, my cold is long gone.  Stop goldbricking and get out of bed, or you'll miss it.”

Daniel groaned as he rolled over, placing the pillow over his mid-section as he stared defiantly at the older man.

Undaunted, Jack was grinning like he'd just won the lottery, or a year's paid downtime at his favorite fishing hole.

“Jack, this is *not* a national holiday; it's just another day.”

Taken aback by his lover's attitude, Jack replied, “Daniel, I'm surprised at you.  Get up, and get dressed while I check on the Munchkins.”

Daniel scowled as the silver-haired man disappeared from their bedroom to go into the nursery where their ten-month-old triplets were.  There was so much they needed to be focusing on these days, primarily their babies and their new archaeological company, J-O Enterprises; yet, Jack had only one thing on his mind today, and Daniel knew he had little choice but to go along.

~A movie.  Why did they have to make a freakin' movie out of a cartoon?  And if they *did* have to make a freakin' movie out of the freakin' cartoon, then why did they have to publicize it so freakin' much?~  The younger man groaned to himself, “What the heck is a freakin' spider pig anyway, and who the heck cares?”

**Daniel, move it!**

~I am moving *it*, but not anywhere that you're likely to enjoy *it* anytime soon,~ the tired man snarled silently.


“There she is.  Great sign,” Jack opined, acting as if the sign that hung at the center of the building had been announcing some grand palace, rather than just a convenience store.  “Look at this place!” he exclaimed in happy amazement as he pulled the truck into the parking lot of what was normally a 7-Eleven convenience store.

“Yeah,” Daniel sighed, shaking his head.  ~I'm in a nightmare.~

“Munchkins, it's the Kwik-E-Mart,” Jack stated excitedly as he shut off the truck. “Maybe Homer will be inside.”

~Lunacy,~ Daniel thought while opening his door.  ~Why would a major retailer turn twelve of their stores into cartoons for a full month just to publicize an animated movie?~

With the Munchkins in their stroller, Jack and Daniel walked into the transformed store that in the short space of one night had been converted from a normal 7-Eleven to the Kwik-E-Mart market that was featured weekly on 'The Simpsons' TV show.

“Love your outfit,” Jack praised cheerfully at the first clerk he saw, noting her lime green smock and name tag.

“This place is a zoo,” Daniel commented, noting how crowded it was.

“They recognize a good thing,” the older man responded, referring to the patrons, all of whom were spouting Simpsonisms and enjoying the amenities of the day.

“Try a Squishee,” one of the customers said to Jack.

“I'll do that,” Jack responded.  “Danny, we *have* to get Squishees for the babies.”

~They're just Slurpees,~ Daniel sighed.  “Fine,” he agreed dryly, helplessly following along as his husband chatted jovially with other Simpson addicts.  ~It's a disease -- D'ohitis.~

“Great flavor, Kids,” Jack said as he enjoyed the flavor for July -- WooHoo! Blue Vanilla -- served up in a twenty-two-ounce paper cup bearing the official Squishee logo.  “They've got five plastic collectible movie cups,” he said, seeing the cups adorned with various scenes from the movie.  ~Gotta have these; and the straws,~ he thought, smiling at the group of six straws that featured removable character magnets in the likenesses of The Simpsons family and Apu.  “We'll get ten of each.”

Stunned by the maddening chaos around him and his husband's temporary insanity, the archaeologist watched as Jack helped the triplets with their Squishees and also took pictures of them with their special Squishee cups and straws.

“We have to document this.  Hey!” the general called out brightly.  “Maybe we could decorate one of the walls in the nursery with pictures from today.”

“You're out of your mind,” Daniel responded, though his lover had already turned away, pushing the stroller towards another aisle of the store.

“Have to get some of this,” Jack said about KrustyO's cereal that came in a bright red box with a picture of Krusty the Clown, enjoying a bowlful of the not-so-appetizing crunchy bits, on it. Looking down at the Munchkins, he said, “It won't be as good as Froot Loops, but it's a special occasion.”

“It is edible,” a nearby clerk said with a smile.

“You must have triple the normal staff working today,” Jack commented, looking around the crowded store.

The clerk smiled and nodded in affirmation, but was distracted by another customer before he could respond verbally.

Jack wasn't at all surprised that the lure of his favorite animated show was keeping the store busy.  He'd wanted to get to the Denver locale the first day it had opened after its transformation from 'Denver' to 'Springfield', but couldn't.  He'd read about its success in the newspaper, though, and thought the one month marketing event to coincide with the opening of 'The Simpsons' theatrical film was an awesome idea.

“We'll get several boxes,” Jack stated.

The cartoon-obsessed man smiled as his namesake giggled in approval, though he frowned at Little Danny's look of reproach.

~It's my imagination,~ Jack thought about the baby's expression.  Moving to another aisle, he asked, “Where's the Duff's?”

“Sorry, Sir, but we aren't carrying that,” a clerk responded.

“Why not?  If it's good enough for Homer ...”

“It's the movie,” the clerk explained.  “It's PG-13, so in keeping with the family theme, nothing alcoholic in nature is being sold at Kwik-E-Mart.”

“Good plan,” an approving Jack replied.

“The Buzz Cola is right there, though, if you'd care to purchase that,” the clerk said, pointing to the red and yellow cans.

“Thank you,” Jack replied with a smile as he walked over to get some of the cartoon soft drink.

~This is the most ridiculous morning I've ever spent in my life,~ Daniel thought as he continued to observe the craziness.  He turned around, hearing the clerk answering the phone as 'Apu', which was the name of the convenience store clerk in the TV series.  ~This is really over the top.  There's nothing Apu-like about that blonde.~

Milling around the store, Jack made another discovery.

“Danny, we'll get five of these; no, ten,” Jack stated, looking and sounding very much like a ten-year-old at an amusement park.  “They'll be collector's items,” he said about the special edition Radioactive Man comic book.  The 'Bart Simpson' character's favorite superhero was Radioactive Man.  “It's issue 711,” he chuckled about the thirty-two-page comic that was wrapped in plastic.  “Only three-ninety-nine.”

“Only,” Daniel echoed, seeing his husband take hold of several comics so they could purchase them.

“Jack, don't you think that one would be ...” Daniel began.  It was too late.  His husband was already off to another part of the store.  ~I'll wake up soon, I hope.~


“Munchkins, how about a donut?” the older father asked as he stared at the pink-frosted donuts with sprinkles that he'd seen advertised on the movie poster for 'The Simpsons Movie'.  ~Can't go wrong with a donut.~

“Those are fresh,” another clerk pointed out.


Nodding, the clerk elaborated, “Our Sprinklicious donuts are made fresh and delivered daily.”

~I think she's beginning to take this too seriously,~ Daniel opined as he stood with his arms folded across his chest.

“We take great pride in all of our Kwik-E-Mart products,” the clerk continued.

Daniel shook his head at his lover, who was just eating up the entire experience.  He'd taken a bunch of photographs with the Munchkins and anything Simpsonesque that he could find in the store.  Today, that meant a lot of picture taking opportunities.

By the time he was done, the fan of the animated series had purchased at least one each of the more than twenty-five special Simpson-related merchandise, including a dancing Homer doll, talking key chains, T-shirts, and hats.  Daniel just watched, shaking his head and waiting for the nightmare to end.

The young man's bad dream was far from over, however, as his lover proceeded to play with the life-size replica of Homer Simpson and then insisted that Daniel pose with the D'oh man as well.  It wasn't until Jack had gotten photos of the entire family with all of the 'citizens of Springfield' present, inside and outside the store, that he was finally ready to leave.

While Jack paid for their purchases, Daniel shook his head at the craziness around him.

~Maybe I could look at this from an anthropological point of view.  This is some kind of simplistic yet dysfunctional society, led by King Homer and Queen Marge and their children.  It's a culture characterized by smart-mouthed children and unusual hairdos.  One peculiar aspect of this society is that no one ever ages.  They wear the same clothing, perhaps a sign of a weakened economic system, or bad taste.~

The scientist looked around the store, observing the customers and their interactions, not just with one another and the clerks, but with the large-as-life images of the characters.

~Strangely, the inhabitants of this world flock to this ... royalty of their own free will.  Still, the morals and values shown appear to represent the middle class and the mainstream.  Even the king has to work.  In fact, according to a story I heard, the king once gave up his job for a lower paying one that he liked and was happy at, but when the queen became pregnant, he was forced to return to his original job.  Obviously, the king learned that family responsibilities oftentimes mean having to deal with unhappiness in the work place.  In other words, pay the bills, Homer.~

The anthropologist continued to look around.  He saw his lover laughing gaily as he participated in a conversation with the clerk at the register that seemed almost foreign.

~Their language is based largely upon English, but there are strange words, unknown to outsiders.  Perhaps these are secret words and a sign of some hidden subculture.  The one that seems to be used the most is d'oh.  The closest I can make of this is that it is like the Jaffa word, kree, with multiple meanings, though clearly the most obvious is one of frustration.~

The linguist tuned out noise other than speech as he continued his thought.

~A more sinister word is 'excellent', though drawn out as 'eeeexcelllent'.  A happy expression seems to be 'woohoo'.  That exclamation is being heard a lot over in the beverage section.  Other words I'm unable to translate -- 'lupper', 'knowitallism', 'cromulent', 'kwyjibo', 'yoink', 'sophistimacated dowhackey', 'craptacular', and 'meh'.  I'll need to find some point of reference for most of these, but I just don't know that I'll ever be able to translate 'kwyjibo'.~

Daniel looked over, hearing his husband engaged in yet more Simpson gossip with the customer waiting to be served behind him, and he was including the Munchkins, trying to make sure they became as addicted as he was.

~The society is unrealistic.  No one has a complete personality.  They're impulsive, which is why these followers are so easily taken in.  It's the lure of something greener, like animated life in Springfield.  The king?  He's their symbol, their everyday man, their everyday *male* man.  He points out everything that is absurd, and he himself is absurd.  He's a dichotomy, bringing out the contradictions that he lives by.~

“Daniel!  Danny, let's go,” Jack said, tapping his lover on the shoulder.

~I could write an entire book on the philosophical and cultural aspects of a Simpson world,~ the scientist thought.  Suddenly, he realized his name was being called, and he felt a touch on his shoulder.  “What?” he asked, snapping out of his anthropological thoughts.

“Where'd you space out to?”

“The land of survival,” Daniel replied cryptically, taking possession of the stroller while Jack carted their merchandise outside.


~Gawd, I thought he'd never get enough of this place,~ Daniel thought as he secured Aislinn in her baby seat in the back of the truck.

Across from the archaeologist, Jack was securing Jonny to his seat, having already made sure Little Danny was safely in his spot.

“I can't wait for the sequel,” the older man said.

“Sequel?” Daniel asked in horror, his eyes bugging out of his head and his hands suddenly fumbling with one of the baby seat straps.

“This promotion was a great idea -- reverse product placement,” Jack stated.  “I'll bet they make a mint, so when the movie's a hit, and it has to be, then when they do the sequel ...”

“*Don't*,” Daniel began, holding up his hands and closing his eyes in escape, “say it.  Just ... don't.”

Jack chuckled as he finished his task and then got into the driver's seat.

When his lover settled into the passenger seat, the older man said with a grin, “This has been a great morning.”

“Right,” Daniel responded unconvincingly, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. He looked back one more time at the surreal mart, seeing replicas of 'Bart Simpson' and another character sitting on top of the store. ~And they thought I was crazy for theorizing that the pyramids were built before the Fourth Dynasty.~


“No, Jack,” the younger man maintained, trying to stop the disagreement that had been going on between the two for several minutes late that afternoon.

“But ...” the older man pleaded.

“I said, no!”


“Jack, we have three babies at home,” the archaeologist reminded sternly.

“But ...”

“Twice is enough; let's go,” Daniel insisted, heading for the exit of the theater.

With a regretful sigh, Jack hurried to catch up with his lover, whistling as they walked to the truck and then singing:

“Spider Pig, Spider Pig
Does whatever a Spider Pig does
Can he swing
From a web
No he can't
He's a pig
Look ooooouut
He is a spider pig.”

“Jack, so help me, if you keep singing that, I'll ...

“Look ooooouut
He is a spider pig.”

The older man had sung the words with emphasis, lunging in jest towards his lover.

“... sue you for alienation of affection,” Daniel completed, groaning when his husband just laughed and kept on singing.

Jack roared at the old time phrase and continued singing the entire way home, much to his lover's chagrin.


“What's he singing?” Janet asked curiously, hearing Jack still singing as he went upstairs to check on the Munchkins after the couple had arrived home from the movies.

“'Spider Pig',” Daniel answered.  “It's a parody of 'Spider Man'.”

“Spider Man is in 'The Simpsons'?” the physician asked curiously.

Speaking rapidly, if only just to not have to think about the movie any longer than necessary, Daniel answered, “No.  Plopper, uh, that's the name of the pig, is used as a gimmick by Krusty to promote his new hamburger, called the clogger.  He dresses the pig up in a baker's hat and has him do this commercial.  When it's done, Krusty wants to, well, turn Plopper into a Plopper sandwich.”

“Eww,” Janet responded.

“Yeah, it didn't go over so well with Homer.  He goes on a rant, claiming that animals wearing human clothing can't be slaughtered.  Then Plopper runs up to Homer, and a new couple is born,” Daniel chuckled.  “I think it was love at first pig's sight.”  He groaned, “Bad,” at his attempted humor and then continued, “Homer adopts him and takes him home.”

“So the Simpsons have a pet pig now,” Janet mused.

“Maybe; I'm not sure,” Daniel answered.  “The end of the movie is ... questionable as to the pig's ... fate, but Jack's confident he's alive and well.”  He sighed, “Honestly, Janet, he's fascinated with that pig.  It's a fake pig.  They had one scene where Homer is walking the pig, upside down, on the ceiling.  It's ... crazy.”

“Well, I'm sure he'll be fine tomorrow.”

“Can you prescribe anything?” Daniel asked hopefully, knowing there was probably no cure for D'ohitis.

Janet chuckled, “Hockey, fishing, and ...”  She grinned, her facial expression definitely an indicator of her unspoken thought.  Then, wanting to make a quick getaway, she said, “I have to go now.”

“Thanks for baby-sitting,” Daniel spoke appreciatively.

“They're angels,” Janet replied as she picked up her things and headed for the door.


“Wha...what is this?” Daniel asked, walking into the study.  The family had just finished dinner, and his lover had suddenly disappeared.  “What are you doing?”

“Family portrait, in a few years,” Jack answered as he picked up the colorful artwork he'd just printed out.

The photo was of the family, each member shaped in the image of The Simpsons characters.

“Jack, you barely know how to turn on the computer,” Daniel rebutted, exaggerating slightly.

“I was motivated, and there's a program on the web that made this easy.”

“Right,” Daniel responded dryly.  “Motivation.  Mmm.  I'm going to remember this when you whine about having to do a project on the computer for J-O.”

“We'll put these on the new Simpsons wall in the nursery,” the older man stated, totally ignoring his lover's remark.

“We are *not* having a Simpsons wall.  We're not even having a  Simpsons inch,” Daniel stated firmly, turning and walking out of the study.  ~Nightmare: this is definitely a nightmare.~

“Anything you say, Love,” Jack replied, smiling as he looked at his creations.

The photo featured Jack and Daniel standing next to each other on the left side, their hands covertly touching the other's.  Jack was in his green BDUs, sans the jacket, and wearing his sunglasses.

~I am a sexy devil,~ the general thought, though he usually didn't allow himself to think such things.

Daniel was also in BDUs, but without the jacket, though his shirt was green, instead of the usual black.  He was wearing a bandana and had his glasses on, of course.

~Maybe I should have used a boonie instead of the bandana,~ the computer 'artist' pondered.

Aislinn stood the closest to her parents.  She had long brown hair and was wearing a pink shirt with a goofy looking reindeer-like dog picture on it and blue jeans.

~Might have made her hair too brown; time will tell, but she's our princess.  Yep, long hair was the right choice.~

Next to the little girl were the two male Munchkins.  Little Danny's hair was shaggier than Jonny's, and Jonny wore sunglasses like his older father.  Both were in jeans, Jonny's darker than his brother's.  They had on short sleeve shirts. Little Danny had a picture of a cat on it, while Jonny's depicted a rodent.

~I remember when I had brown hair,~ Jack began to lament.  Then he remembered how much his husband loved his silver-gray hair, so he dismissed his lamentation quickly.  ~Maybe I should have put glasses on Little Danny.~

Though still questioning some of his choices, Jack placed the picture in a frame.  He smiled, certain he'd find just the right place for the special photo to be displayed.


“Okay, Jack, I'm pulling the plug,” Daniel announced, getting up and literally unplugging the DVD player from the wall.  “We've spent the entire day lost in your Simpsons world, but that's it.  No more Squishees; no more Radioactive Man comics; and *no*, and I can't emphasize this enough, *no* more singing of the 'Spider Pig' song.  Are we clear on this?”
Jack stood up and walked over to his lover.  It was late, almost midnight.  The Munchkins were sleeping peacefully in the nursery, and the couple had spent the entire evening watching Jack's favorite episodes of 'The Simpsons' on DVD.  He smiled, raising his right hand to caress his lover's cheek.  Then he lightly traced his lover's lips with his thumb.  His eyes were seductive, growing more intense as he leaned in for a gentle kiss.

“So, we're clear?” Daniel repeated, returning the kiss just as gently.

In a move that would make the great Valentino envious, Jack took his husband in his arms and planted the most exotic and passionate O'Neill Special on him.  This was the kiss that always made Daniel weak in the knees and oftentimes sent him into the land of dreaminess.

“What were you saying, Love?” Jack asked.


“Let's go to bed, Angel.”

“Bed?  Oh, gawd, yes ... bed, but not ...”

“Nope, no sleeping,” Jack said, kissing his soulmate again.

Arm in arm, the lovers headed up the stairs.  Jack whistled and as they reached the door to their bedroom, he grinned and sang softly:

“Silver Fox, Silver Fox
Loving his Angel all night long
Look ooooouut
Here comes the Silver Fox.”

With that, the Silver Fox made love to his Angel, and all was more than well in Colorado Springs for the Jackson-O'Neills.

~~Finis - Finished - Done - The End - But is it ever Really?~~
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