Stargate Trials

Author:  Orrymain
Category:  Slash, Humor, Drama, Romance, Established Relationship
Pairing:  Jack/Daniel ... and it's all J/D
Rating:  PG-13
Season:  S4 - January 4-6, 2001
Spoilers:  None
Size:  21kb, ficlet
Written:  November 4-7, 2010
Summary:  Jack and Daniel go on trial for their misdeeds at Stargate Command.
Disclaimer:  Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't.  A gal can dream though!
1) Thanks to my betas who always make my fics better:  Ali!

Stargate Trials
by Orrymain

“How do you plead?” the judge questioned with absolute seriousness.

“Not guilty,” came the response from the accused.

“Oh, please,” Daniel interjected with a sneer.  “You did it, and you know it.”

“Prove it,” Jack snapped back, his left hand pointed at his foe.

Daniel stared harshly into the eyes of his lover, and then he bobbed his head up and down a couple of times even as his lips were tightly pursed together.

“Fine,” the archaeologist finally replied.  “I call Major Samantha Carter to the stool.”

There was a slight chuckle from the gallery, but the stool was the correct term for the proceedings since any and all witnesses simply sat down on a wooden stool that had been taken from a pile of old furniture thrown away the month before.

Dressed in her green BDU uniform, Sam shot a glance over at a curious Janet Fraiser before standing and approaching the stool.  She turned to face the bailiff and raised her right hand when directed to do so.

“Do you swear to tell the truth and the whole truth under threat of KP duty for a month?” the chef serving as the bailiff questioned.

“Oh, I definitely do,” Sam responded and then sat down atop the stool.

Daniel smiled sweetly at his teammate as he approached her.  His arms were crossed in their familiar self-hug pose.  As he began to speak, a hint of his dimples could be seen, causing Sam to smile inside.  She loved that look on her friend, though it was actually rare to see him express himself that way.

“Sam, please tell us what you saw yesterday when you entered my office.”

“Do I have to?”

“KP duty,” the bailiff reminded.

“Hey!” Jack objected, standing to make his case.  “You’re not the judge.”

“No problem, Colonel.  By the way, let me know how you like that special meat loaf you'll be having in the mess tonight.  I’m making it special, just for you.”

Jack saw the calm threat.  He didn't even want to think about what the cook might do to the evening meal, and if it wasn't tonight, he'd do it at some point in the future.

“Well, if you're going to put it that way,” the colonel acquiesced reluctantly as he sank back down to his chair.

“Smart,” the chef stated cockily.

“Even if it doesn't say colonel on his uniform,” Daniel mumbled under his breath.

“It should!” Jack argued, having heard the offending remark.  He looked back toward the redheaded doctor and reiterated, “It should.”

Janet simply smiled and redirected her focus to the archaeologist.

“Sam,” Daniel requested expectantly.

Clearing her voice, the major drew a breath and answered, “I walked in and saw Colonel O'Neill putting glue in between pages of a book.”

“So, he actually had the tube in his hands?”

“Yes, and I observed him turning over a page and pressing down on it.”

“Gluing the pages together so that the book was unusable,” Daniel summarized.

Sam nodded, a nervous quivering of her lips occurring as she began to dread the cross examination she knew she was about to undergo.

A smirk on his face, Daniel faced his Love and advised, “Your witness.”

Confidently, the colonel stood and crossed over to his second-in-command's location.  He circled her as she sat on the stool, and then he made a startling move, leaning in hastily.  His intent was to slam her with a verbal assault of rapid-fire questions, only it didn't quite go as planned.

“Ow!” Sam exclaimed, raising her hands to her nose.

“Ah, geez,” Jack whined as he did the same and walked away.

“Medic!” the judge called out.


Jack made a beeline for the refrigerator and pulled out a beer.  He wasted no time in downing three swigs of his favorite brew.  Even as he stood by the counter, he could feel the cold eyes on him.  Slowly, he turned and confirmed what he already knew.  Cerulean blue daggers were being tossed in his direction.

“It was just a joke,” Jack claimed.

“You glued together my book.”

“A dictionary!” Jack bellowed as he shrugged innocently.

“You're replacing it.”

“I'll write you a check.”

“For two hundred dollars,” Daniel pointed out.

Jack spit out his latest sip of Guinness and sputtered, “Two hun...hundred?”

“Jack, that little dictionary you ruined was Klein's Comprehensive Etymology Dictionary Of The English Language.  It's not exactly your five and dime Webster.”

“Who knew.”

“Apparently not you.”

“Cute, Daniel.”

“So you tell me.”

“Will you stop it.”

“Stop what?”


“Uh, that ... what?”

“Oh ... never mind,” Jack groaned as he sat down on the sofa.

“The check?” Daniel pressured from his spot near the entranceway.

“I'll pay you back in benefits.”

“Benefits?” the younger man questioned.

Jack grinned, making no further clarification of his response.

“Oh.”  Walking forward, Daniel insisted, “I'll take cash.”


“I need that dictionary, Jack.  I'll expect to see it, or the money, on my desk, unglued, by tomorrow afternoon.”  Daniel smiled and added, “Then maybe *you'll* get some benefits.”

Jack was ready to argue until he observed his lover heading for the door.  In a second, he jumped up and called out.

“Hey, where are you going?”

As cute as can be, the scientist approached his colonel and leaned in, kissing the man's bandaged nose.

“Benefits, Jack, come *after* Klein's Comprehensive Etymology Dictionary Of The English Language is secure in my office.  Until then, I have some spring cleaning to do at my apartment.”


The sound of the door closing sank the colonel's heart.

“It was just a little joke.  Scientists have no sense of humor.”  As he turned around, he reached up and touched his aching nose.  “I don't even think he cared I almost broke my nose.  Traitor!”


“Sleep well?”

“Very,” Daniel responded brightly while adjusting his boonie cap.

“I'm so glad,” Jack snarked, his grip on his weapon tight.  The kawoosh of the Stargate thundered, but the colonel's glare was firm.  “Move out, and try not to get lost this time.”

“I never get lost,” Daniel refuted.  “You just can't keep up.”

Jack's tongue nearly flip flopped in his mouth.  Though Daniel's words had been spoken with a tone of sarcasm, his eyes were teasing and his tongue had slid out seductively over his lips, though it was done so covertly that no one but the team leader had noticed.

“Is there a problem, Colonel?” General Hammond called out from the control room.

“Nothing I can't handle,” Jack assured before making the ninety-degree turn to step up onto the ramp and go through the event horizon.


“That was the most ridiculous planet we've ever visited,” Jack groused as he walked down the ramp and handed over his gun to the SF in waiting.

“Well, we were at fault, Sir,” Sam rationalized.

“Yes.  We breathed their air,” Jack whined.

“Is it not their right to say how guests to their world must behave, O'Neill?” Teal'c questioned.

“Hey, we weren't there to cheat them.  All we did was say 'hello'.”

“And we walked over their sacred garden.  That was illegal,” Daniel put forth.

“Where was the sign?  How'd we know it was sacred?  It was grass!”

“Ignorance of the law is not excuse for breaking the law,” the archaeologist maintained.

Jack let out a huge groan just as the team reached the elevator that would take them to the floor where their current locker room was situated.

“They shoulda had a sign.”

“They did,” Daniel reminded.

“In English,” the colonel countered pointedly, his frustration level about a level nine at this point.

“Jack, they don't speak English on PRJ-262.  Their language is Edowin.”

“Well, I don't speak Edowin,” Jack mimicked.

“Is it not wise to speak the language of the world one is visiting?” the Jaffa asked.

“Look, everywhere we go, people speak English.  How come this is the one planet where no one knows the language?  Huh?  Just tell me why.”

“Uh, well, maybe because a thousand or so years ago their society made a choice to move forward from their mythology.  They created a new language to put their past behind them, a past where the Goa'uld had kidnapped them from their home world.”

“How unique.”

“Jack, it was our fault, but they got that we didn't understand.  We just had to pay the fine.”

“Yes, *we* did,” the team leader agreed sarcastically, running his fingers over his bare head, a head that had once sported a baseball style cap.  “My head is cold.”

“I'm sure there are ways to warm up your ... head,” Daniel stated as the elevator doors opened.

Once again, Jack's body tensed.  There was that sparkle in his Heart's eyes, and there had been just the right lilt to Daniel's voice to totally draw Jack away from unhappy thoughts about the court negotiation that had taken place on the planet.  He'd lost his baseball cap, and Sam had given up a new tube of lipstick to the wife of the alien city's mayor.  All in all, it had actually been fun, but the colonel would never admit that out loud, especially now.

“I'm hungry,” Jack stated lightly in an apparent non sequitur.

“Me, too,” Daniel agreed.

“Starved,” Sam encouraged, eager for some hot food.

“I, too, desire nourishment,” Teal'c added.

“To the mess hall!” the colonel ordered.


“I object!” Jack screeched as he stood up.

“I haven't said anything yet,” Daniel retorted.

“Request permission to approach the bench.”

“Granted,” the judge permitted, a bit of a quirky smile on his face.

Jack walked forward and, leaning inward to whisper close to the man's ear, suggested, “I don't want this to influence your decision here today, but I have a lead on a monkey wrench, and it's a big one.”

“How big?”

“Huge!  Huge, honkin' big,” Jack claimed quietly.  “You could do a lot with that wrench.”  With a smile, he straightened and concluded, “I'm just saying ...”

After a moment's thought, the judge called out, “Sustained.”

Daniel's face wrinkled in response, confusion filling his mind.  He hadn't heard what his Love had said to Judge Siler, but it sure was making the court figurehead smile.

“Call your witness,” Siler ordered Jack.

“Uh, I thought it was my turn,” Daniel interjected with widened eyes.


Standing in silence, his eyes darting around the room, the archaeologist wondered what was happening.  He sensed that he was about to be railroaded.

“Carter!” Jack barked.

Sam released a sigh and looked over at her dear friend, Janet.  It was almost a total replay of what had happened two days ago.  She heard her name being called out yet again by her commanding officer.  In her mind, she felt like some days it just didn't pay to get up, and this was one of those days.

Having taken the oath, or rather, the threat of KP duty once again, Sam was again seated on the stool.  The big difference was that instead of alluring dimples staring at her, it was pointed brown eyes that presented the additional warning of being assigned to some unknown place in the arctic.

“Tell the judge what you observed this afternoon, and don't leave anything out.”



“Well, what I recall the most was watching you fall on your butt ... Sir.”

The gallery roared, maintaining their chuckles even after Jack looked at them with strong intimidation.

“Why did I fall?” came the stern query from the colonel.

“Jellybeans,” Sam answered.  “When we opened the door to your office, it rained jellybeans.  You slipped.”

“Yes, I know.  *Who* put the jellybeans in that overhead bin?”

Sam glanced over at her science twin and smiled apologetically while also giving a little shrug.

“Judge, she looked at Daniel.”

“Uh, is it my turn?” Daniel asked calmly.

“Have at it, Bean Boy,” Jack allowed, making a sweeping movement with his right hand and then returning to his seat.

“Hi, Sam.”

“Hi, Daniel.”

“How ya doing?”

“Good.  Well, until now,” Sam admitted truthfully.

“So, you saw the jellybeans fall down and hit Colonel O'Neill?”


“And he fell.”


“But you didn't,” the accused sought to clarify.


“Why not?”

“The colonel was in front of me.  Most of the jellybeans spread out in front of him,” the blonde explained.

“So, uh ... did you see me in the colonel's office?”


“Was there a note that took responsibility for the jellybean bombs?”

“Not that I'm aware of,” Sam conceded.

“Did you see me anywhere near Colonel O'Neill's office today?” Daniel inquired artfully.

“Um, no.”

“In fact, to the best of your knowledge, where was I for most of the day?”

“Well, I thought you were working on some translations.”

“He's *always* working on a translation,” Jack called out.

“The plaintiff will cease from interrupting,” Judge Siler reprimanded.

“Right.  I wouldn't want to throw a *wrench* into this monkey circus,” was Jack's rather non-covert message to the presiding authority.


“At the briefing this morning, you told us you were going to be working on translations with members of your staff.”

“Thank you,” the linguist acknowledged.  He turned to the gallery.  “Just to save time.  Will members of my staff who can provide testimony that I was with them today please stand up.”

Eight SGC civilians stood.

“That doesn't prove anything,” Jack snapped.  “They couldn't have been with you all day.”

“Jerry?” Daniel called out to one man.

“Doctor Jackson worked with me for one hour, between 8:30 and 9:30 this morning,” Jerry stated.

“He came into Lab 1 at 9:35,” Megan Williams told the mock court.  “I noticed because I had been on break and needed another couple of minutes for my nails to dry.”  She grimaced.  “I broke two nails.  It was all for nothing, my nails, the break, I mean.”  After a reflective sigh, she continued, “We had a particularly difficult relic on which to identify the markings.  We didn't get it figured out until lunchtime at 11:30.”

“Aha!  Lunch!” Jack accused, standing and pointing at his Heart in accusation.

Daniel stared at his lover and interrogated, “Jack, where did you have lunch today?”

The look on the colonel's face was one of doom.  He was crestfallen as he sat back down, remembering that he'd actually had lunch delivered to him in his office while he caught up on mission reports.

“It's always paperwork,” the colonel muttered with disdain.

Ultimately, the archaeology staff provided personal witnesses who accounted for every minute of Daniel's workday, culminating with his arrival in the science lab that was serving as the site for the Stargate trials.


With the case against Daniel for the jellybean attack dismissed, the archaeologist was feeling chipper, especially since Siler had thrown a monkey wrench of his own into Jack's side, ordering him to pay up on the spot the $200 he owed for the dictionary.  Not only that, but as penance for delaying the payback, Jack was ordered to clean the tools in one of Siler's many toolboxes.

“I'll see you at home,” Daniel told his hardworking and currently very grouchy soulmate.

“You will?”

“I have what I wanted,” the younger man responded, flailing the check in his hands.  “And I'll be stopping at Joe's to cash this, just in case you have any ideas of ... well ...”

“Daniel!  You wound my heart when you talk like that.”

“Just remember, Jack.  Joe doesn't like to be stiffed by bad checks.”

The churning and sulking going on within the tool cleaner was obvious.  Joe ran a local supermarket, and he trusted Jack and Daniel.  He was aware of their odd working hours and as a special favor often cashed checks for them that he would not normally do for regular customers.  By Daniel telling Jack of his intentions to cash the check at Joe's on his way home, this meant that Jack ultimately had no choice but to let it go through.  The Case of the Glued Dictionary had to be permanently put to rest.

As such, Jack moved on to the positive and grinned as he recalled the younger man's words, the ones that stated he would be going home and seeing Jack there.

“Home?” Jack questioned for verification.

“Benefits,” Daniel responded succinctly.  “Rub hard,” he instructed, nodding at Jack's tight hold of a silver screwdriver.  “Good practice.”

'Rub' and 'hard' weren't the best words for the sex-deprived military man.  It had been two very long, lonesome, and insomniac nights for him.  His body was reacting, and Siler's lab wasn't the place for that to happen.  Watching his sexy lover leave, Jack began rubbing harder on the dirty tools while running through a long list of less-than-sexy people, places, and events that included but was not limited to the Goa'uld, Senator Kinsey, any and all parts of Russia, and the day he'd been caught painting Holly Ann MacInerie's pigtails orange.


Sam had changed into her civvies and was ready to go home for some peaceful relaxation.  All she wanted to do was put on her nightgown and fuzzy slippers and then sink down onto her sofa to read a good book.  She almost wished she had a cat to massage, but almost was as far as she went when it came to any contemplation of owning a cat or any other pet.

As she turned the corridor, Sam's pace slowed dramatically.  She cocked her head at what she saw.  It was curious.  Her face took on an inquisitive expression even as she smiled when Janet approached her a few seconds later.

“Going home?”

“Yeah.  You?”

“I have to check on a patient and then I'm out of here,” Janet replied happily.

“Janet,” Sam began,  unable to contain her interest in what she'd observed, “did you just stuff some money in your bra?”

Janet looked around to ensure no one else was in listening range and then she led Sam over to a more central location.  She didn't want anyone sneaking up on them after turning the corner.

Retrieving two crisp twenty-dollar bills, the physician grinned as she showed them to her friend.

“Daniel paid you to put those jellybeans in the colonel's office,” Sam deduced.

“He knew he had meetings all day.”

“Someone from his staff was with him all day.”

“Or you or me,” Janet acknowledged.

“Oh, Janet,” Sam giggled.

“Easiest forty bucks a girl can make,” the redhead opined.  “He didn't think Colonel O'Neill would ever pay him for that dictionary.”

“Getting the colonel back into the mock court was the only way to do it,” Sam agreed.  “How'd you know when to do it?  Colonel O'Neill was doing reports.”

“Well, five dollars goes to my accomplice,” Janet revealed.

“Sergeant Davis?”  Sam witnessed a smirk on her friend's face, but it wasn't one of agreement.  Who else could it have been?  Sam searched her mind when a surprising realization hit her.  “General Hammond!”

Janet laughed out loud and suggested, “Wait for me.  We'll have dinner, and I'll tell you all about it.”

Sam nodded and leaned back against the corridor wall while Janet hurried away.  This was an ending to the caper that she hadn't anticipated at all.


“Now *that's* rubbing hard,” a happy and fully released Daniel gasped that night.

“It was all that practice,” Jack replied, out of breath from the couple's passionate and exhausting lovemaking.  “Missed you, Danny.”

“Say it again, Jack.”

“I've already said it five times.”

“Make it six.”

“I, Jack O'Neill, promise never to glue together the pages of any book in your office ever again.”

“Good boy.”

Daniel climbed atop of his love and planted a huge kiss on Jack's lips.  He smiled and repeated the action, after which he began round two of what promised to be a very long night.  Of course, happy camper Jack hadn't promised how he'd treat any tomes located outside of his Love's office.  In fact, he was already planning a follow up with silly putty.

However, Jack put aside those thoughts for now because he was too caught up in being silly putty in the hands, or mouth, of his naked archaeologist.  That's how he believed life should always be.

~~Finis - Finished - Done - The End - But is it ever Really?~~
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