Twinkie Wars

Author:  Orrymain
Category:  Slash, Humor, Drama, Romance, Established Relationship
Pairing:  Jack/Daniel ... and it's all J/D
Rating:  PG-13
Season:  8 - November 2-3, 2004
Spoilers:  None
Size:  20kb, ficlet
Written:  March 19, December 1, 2004, April 26-29, May 13,16, June 13,15, 2010
Summary:  It's a crazy but oddly typical twenty-four hours for Jack and Daniel.
Disclaimer:  Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't.  A gal can dream though!
1) Silent, unspoken thoughts by various characters are indicated with ~ in front and behind them, such as ~Where am I?~
2) Thanks to my betas who always make my fics better:  Ali, Tammy, Navi, Irina!

Twinkie Wars
by Orrymain

“Daniel, to the right.”

“No, Jack, it's perfect right there.”

“Maybe for you, but from my position, you're off.”

“Are you saying you don't like what I'm doing?” Daniel questioned unhappily.

“No, of course not,” the silver-haired fox denied.


“Daniel, you know I love everything you do.”

“You're complaining, Jack.  You've never done that before,” a somewhat hurt archaeologist stated dejectedly.

“You're usually more precise.”

“I'm putting it right where it needs to go,” Daniel claimed insistently.

“Not from my perspective.  Just a tad to the right, if you please,” Jack requested a bit sternly.

“You *are* complaining.”

“No, I'm not!”

“All these years I thought you liked the way I placed it,” Daniel sighed.

“I do like it,” the older man maintained, shrugging his shoulders as if he didn't understand the problem.


Whispering into his lover's ear, Jack replied, “Daniel, I love you, all of you, including your wayward balls.”

“They are not wayward,” Daniel insisted defensively.

“Just cue your stick,” Jack ordered.

Taking his pool cue, Daniel shoved it into his lover's hands and snarked, “Cue this, Jack, and stick it up your middle pocket.”

Jack smiled in acceptance as he faced his two friends.  He coughed, pulled out his wallet, and paid each man ten dollars.

“Thanks,” Lou said, kissing the pristine bill and then placing it in his pocket.

“See you guys tomorrow,” Jack sighed.  As he headed for the exit, he thought, ~Gonna be a cold night tonight.~


As he stood at the patio door the next morning, the upset of their pool game long gone from his mind, Daniel rubbed his hand against his chin and then spoke, “Uh, Jack.”

Jack walked over to Daniel and followed his glance out into the backyard.

“Is it just me, or does Bij look like she's,” Daniel shrugged, “holding court, or something.”

“Court of the ants?” Jack chuckled from his place next to the younger man.  ~She looks like a queen.  Bijou: queen of the beagles.~

To both men, it did look like Bijou was addressing her minion, though they weren't sure who or what made up that assemblage.

//Bijou's Point of View//

Stretch out.  Yes, that feels good.

Shake.  Shoo that dust and sleep away.

Get those ears moving.  Better.

Peek out of my house.  Yes, bright and sunny.  It's a beautiful day.  Where's that puppy of mine?  Honestly, she's always getting into trouble, just like our precious Danny.  Ah, there she is, digging in her play yard.  Woof!

Oh, hello there, Humans!  How did you get back here?  We have excellent security systems, when we're awake, that is.

You have clearance, you say?  Let me see your papers?  Ah, yes, you've read about my family before?  You like sap?  You love happy endings?  Most of all, you love Jack and Daniel?  Well, then, put up a paw and have a rest, and I'll share with you my beliefs.  You see, I have a paw full of rules I live by.

First, as you should know by now, my name is Bijou, which means jewel, and I am a beagle!  I'm actually quite smart, if I do say so myself.  I was born June 12, 2001.  My owners were Jeff and Margaret Cornell.  Jeff was great fun, but Margaret, nice as she is, just wasn't much of a dog lover.

When the Cornells moved to Colorado Springs in March 2003, Margaret became even more antsy about having me under foot, a condition that worsened when I had a sad, tragic affair with the beagle next door.  Handsome boy that Rover was, but can you imagine?  His name really was Rover.  Me?  I called him Romeo.  It suited him better.  That boy chased me for weeks and I finally let him catch me.  Weeks may not sound like a lot to you, being a human and all, but to me, that's a long time.

My litter was a healthy brood, except for the last one.  She was the proverbial runt, but I love her so woofin' much.  Jeff found homes for all my puppies, and he promised me they were good homes.  When Margaret insisted I also be given a new home, Jeff found the best home for my runt and me, with that Irish charmer Jack O'Neill and his cutie lover Daniel Jackson.

Jack and Daniel got married last year.  I understand that some humans don't accept their relationship, but from what I can see, I don't understand the problem.  Those two laugh and cry, fuss and argue, cuddle and snuggle, dote and rant, and more than anything else, just love each other to pieces twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.  Humans, explain to me why their love is wrong.  Go ahead.  I'm listening.

Oh, of course, you're here, so you don't understand the problem, either. So, anyway, Jeff found us these two wonderful people to live with.  My puppy and I were a birthday present from Jack to Daniel.  Apparently, Daniel never had a pet before.  He's had such a tragic history.  I don't know the whole story.  Goodness, don't know that I even want to, but the way he loves us just warms our hearts.  We are his children, and Jack's, too.

That brings me to my first paw belief: love.  I believe in love.  It means everything, whether it's my love for my baby girl, or Jack's love for Daniel.  It's pure, and it's unconditional.  Love, dear humans, should guide us all.
//End of Bijou's Point of View//

“Home,” Daniel whispered after observing Bijou's courtly behavior for a few minutes.


“Just remembering that day when I first saw her.  That day changed my life forever.”

“Mine, too,” Jack agreed, kissing his husband on the cheek.  “Waffles?”

“Sounds good,” Daniel agreed.  “I'll help.”

“So, not mad at me anymore?” the older man questioned tentatively.

“Just don't ever criticize my balls again,” Daniel replied with a smirk and then headed for the kitchen.

“Wouldn't dream of it. I *love* your balls.”

The day had just begun, but for Jack, Daniel, and the beagles, it was already a perfect day.  The question was, could it stay that way?


Breakfast completed, the lovers had a couple of hours before they had to be at the Mountain.  Daniel was using the time to work on a theory.  Jack didn't have a clue what it was; all he knew was that his lover had his nose stuck in a book with one hand scribbling notes as if the world were ending.

“Danny, we need to go.”

“Right,” Daniel mumbled, focused on his task.

This conversation had occurred about three times thus far and as yet the archaeologist hadn't moved.  He was deeply involved.  Jack checked his watch.  The reality was they still had some more time before they absolutely had to leave. He was only perturbed for one reason.

~I'm bored.~

Jack sighed in frustration as he sat down at the table in the nook of the kitchen.  He stared at the boxes Daniel had placed there earlier.

~Must be time to replenish his stash.  Geez, he goes through Twinkies the same way he goes through coffee.~

All of a sudden, a crazy idea formed in the silver-haired man's mind.  His eyes brightened as the mischievous part of him began to surface.  Boredom was leading Jack Jackson-O'Neill to potential doom.

~What's life without taking a few risks?~

With Daniel intently focused on his mysterious theory, Jack stood up to get a few supplies, including a round platter and a small green tablecloth.  It was one for the picnic table and it happened to have a rougher texture to it.  He cut it down to size, wrapped it around the platter, and then taped the cloth to the platter in order to keep it secure.

~Now for the real fun.  Let's see,~ Jack thought as he continued to mold his plan.  ~Oh, yeah.~

Reaching for Daniel's stash, Jack opened the first box.  Before he began his project, he made a count.

~That'll do it.~



“Daniel, language!” Jack responded to his lover's alien swear word.

“What happened to my Twinkies?” the astounded and perturbed scientist questioned harshly.

“TwinkieHenge.  What do you think?” Jack presented, pointing to his masterpiece.

Atop the platter, Jack had created his interpretation of Stonehenge.  All around the outer edge of the platter were nine columns, each consisting of two Twinkie pillars topped by a Twinkie cover.

“I think you've destroyed my entire Twinkie stash.  I think you're out of your freakin' mind!” the younger man answered with cold eyes.  ~And you might just be out of luck for ... you know ... for a night or two.~

“Look, I included Thor.”

In the middle of Jack's cream and puff-like creation were three more Twinkies, each serving as tables or rocks.  At the very center was a Twinkie slab, which was essentially a Twinkie sliced in two.  On top of it was a delicately crafted body carved out of a radish with a sculpted strawberry head.

“Thor's gray.”

“I didn't have anything gray.  Thor should be pink,” Jack opined.  “Don't ya think little pink butt works?”

Daniel looked up from the TwinkieHenge creation and stared incredulously at his lover.

“I want my Twinkies, Jack.”

“Right here!” Jack exclaimed brightly as he waved to the monument.

“Three boxes.  You used three boxes of Twinkies to make this ... this ... this ...”

“Danny, calm down.  You're about to blow a vein.”

“Better a vein than you!” Daniel shouted, turning around and storming outside.

Before Jack could move, he heard the door slam.

“Ouch.”  Jack stood.  He went into the living room and grabbed his leather jacket.  He looked back at his creation one last time.  “I think it shows promise.”


“TwinkieHenge?” Sam laughed that afternoon.

The science twins were in the blonde's lab, chatting.  Daniel was still fuming, though his version of fuming often meant a silent, internal steaming versus any outward declaration of war.

“Thirty Twinkies, turned into Jack's version of a playground.”

Sam's giggle grew until she saw Daniel's look of consternation.

“I'm sorry, Daniel, but that's just funny.”

Daniel let out a huge groan, scrunched up his face as if in agony, and then spewed, “Oh, you're right.  He even had a little Thor.  He was pink.”


Sam's laughter became raucous, and within seconds Daniel couldn't help himself and began to laugh, too.


His laugh fest with Sam concluded, a much calmer Daniel returned to his office, only as he approached his corner haven he realized the door was closed.  Opening it cautiously, he slowly entered his workspace.  He couldn't believe what he saw.

“You're insane, Jack.”

“How'd you know it was me?” the colonel queried as he popped up from behind a huge stack of Hostess Twinkie boxes.

“ESP,” Daniel responded dryly.  In walked forward and looked all around.  “What did you do?”

“I brought you a new stash.”

“Jack, there must be a hundred boxes of Twinkies here,” the younger man pointed out as he stared at the stacks of boxes that Jack had strewn all over the floor, tables, and shelves.

“Yeah, plenty for you to eat and ...”

“Oh, gawd.  What's next, the Twinkie Memorial?”

“I was thinking maybe the Hubble Twinkiescope,” Jack put forth thoughtfully.

Daniel stared at his husband in complete disbelief, but then mischievously offered, “Or maybe Deep Space Twinkie, or ... uh, the U.S.S. Twinkieship.”

“I like that,” Jack chuckled, approaching his husband and stealing a kiss, even though the door was still open.  He had at least already turned off the security monitoring equipment, hoping his lover would forgive him, as he apparently was in the process of doing.  “I like that, too,” he whispered about the kiss.

“Me, too,” Daniel admitted.


With a slow building grin, Daniel sighed, nodded, and said, “Yes, but get these Twinkies off the floor.”  Just then the phone rang.  Answering it, Daniel heard the command and sighed, “General Hammond wants to see you in his office -- now.”

Trying not to laugh, Jack promised, “I'll come back.”

“Get out of my office, Jack,” Daniel ordered, resigned to having to pick up and store a hundred boxes of Twinkies.



With a smirk, Jack left his Love's office, only a tiny bit sorry that he was leaving the pick up job to his husband.


His meeting with Hammond over, Jack proceeded to his next task for the day before heading back to his office.  He had paperwork to do.

~Hammond's gonna pin me to the Stargate if I don't get that review done today,~ the colonel groused internally.  ~Man, can he let it go when he's mad.~

Still silently complaining about the existence of paperwork, Jack opened the door to his office and let out with a slew of swear words.  That was partly due to the bucket of Twinkies that rained down on him.  It was also the result of the Twinkie Pie that smashed into his face.


“Smile, Jack!” a grinning Daniel instructed as he took a picture with his cell phone. As his soulmate glared, the younger man quipped, “I know how much you love my Twinkies, so I just had to share.”

“Thank you,” Jack replied sarcastically as he wiped the white cream filling from his eyes.  He bristled at his lover's laughter as Daniel walked down the corridor, leaving Jack alone to clean things up.  ~Sneaky geek,~ he accused as he fumed while making his way to his desk chair.  He looked at the doorway and cursed, “I'll get you for this, Daniel!”

Then Jack sat down and his eyes instantly widened.  He considered getting up, but what was the point?  His buttocks feeling the dampness of the Twinkies he'd just sat on, the colonel simply swiped another bit of puffed Twinkie from his face and ate it.


Laughing as he walked inside the house, Daniel opined, “You deserved it, Jack, and you know it.”

“When did you get to be so sneaky?” Jack questioned as he closed the door behind him.

“The day I met you.”

“Very funny,” the older man grouched.

“I thought so,” Daniel smirked.  “What do you want for dinner?”

“Dinner?” Jack squawked.  “I'm full of Twinkies.”

“Uh oh.”

“What oh?” the older man asked when he saw his Love staring into the kitchen.

“The girls have been in the house.”

“Yeah, so?”

Daniel motioned towards the kitchen nook as Jack walked to stand at his side.

“Oh, for crying loud!”

The table was full of left over Twinkie crumbles.  It was obvious that Bijou and Katie had helped themselves to Jack's TwinkieHenge, thanks to having their dog door left open for them.

Jack walked over to the table and grimaced as he picked up the radish.

“Poor Thor.  He's been decapitated.”

“We'd better check on them, Jack,” Daniel suggested, trying not to laugh at the mess that had been made in the nook area, especially on the table.

“Sugar high,” Jack quipped as he followed Daniel to the patio door.  “Look!  Cream on their ears and noses.”

“Guilty as charged,” Daniel agreed.  “You're doing the cleanup.”


“You started it, Babe.  I'll take care of the girls,” the archaeologist stated with a smile as he walked outside to make sure Bijou and Katie were okay from their unscheduled snack.

Jack stared at the mess, resigned to his fate of picking up bits of brown Twinkie skin and white fluffy filling that had been flung all around.

~I don't think they ate it; I think they just played in it.~  Then Jack smiled as he quietly visualized his revenge.  ~There's more than one way to stuff a Twinkie,~ the colonel cackled.  ~Revenge will be sweet.~

“I heard that!” Daniel shouted.

~Sure, you did,~ Jack responded to himself, undeterred.  ~Beware, My Love.  No Twinkies are safe.~


Outside, Daniel cleaned the beagles, making sure there wasn't anything sticky left on their bodies.  Then he played with them for a bit while Jack finished his cleaning.

With Bijou and Katie running all around and up to him, Daniel laughed, “It's a good life.”

Jack walked to the patio door, leaning against it as he wiped his hands.  He smiled out at his husband and the canines.

“Did you hear that?” Daniel called out from the lawn.

“Absolutely,” Jack responded.  Tossing the towel onto the counter, he joined his family in the yard, sitting down across from his husband.  He leaned over for a kiss and agreed, “It is a good life.”

“Twinkie Wars,” Daniel mused.  “There was a time when that would been unthinkable for me.  Gawd, Jack, this has been the best day just because it was so silly and ridiculous.”

“I'm still going to get my revenge.”

“That's okay.  What goes around, comes around.”

“Is that a threat, Doctor Jackson?”

“Yeahsureyabetcha, Colonel O'Neill.”

The happy couple kissed again before being lovingly attacked by their mischievous girls.


//Bijou's Point of View//
Turn around in a circle.

Keep turning.

Has to be right.

Ah, there we go.  Plop down.

Perfect spot, right next to my baby girl.

Oh, are you still here, Humans?  You really should go.  Katie and I are going to sleep now, and Jack and Daniel are upstairs.  They're you-knowing, as Daniel calls it.  He's so silly.

We had a wonderful day.  Don't forget my last belief -- happiness.  Happiness comes from within.  It took Daniel a long time to understand that, but Jack helped him.  So did my runt and I.  Every day we make a choice to be happy, sad, miserable, content, satisfied -- whatever.  Choose to be happy.  That's a start.  Never forget the love, and choose happiness.


//End of Bijou's Point of View//


“Daniel, to the right,” Jack requested.

“No, Jack, it's perfect right there.”

“Maybe for you, but from my position, you're off.”

“Are you saying you don't like what I'm doing?” Daniel questioned unhappily.

“No, of course not,” the silver-haired fox denied.


“Daniel, you know I love everything you do,” Jack reminded as sincerely as he could.

“You're complaining, Jack.  You've never done that before,” the younger man bemoaned.

“You're usually more precise.”

“I'm putting it right where it needs to go,” Daniel claimed insistently.

“Almost, Love.  Just a tad to the right, if you please,” Jack beckoned with a bit of a gasp.

“You *are* complaining.”

“No, I'm not!”

“All these years I thought you liked the way I placed it,” Daniel sighed, moving just a bit to the right as requested.

“I do like it,” the older man assured.  “Trust me on this, I *dooooo* like it.”


“Perfect!” Jack moaned from the contact.  “Oh, Angel, there's nothing wrong with how you place it.  Oh, yeah!  That's it!”

“Next thing you know, you'll be saying my ...”


Daniel's sentence faded, overshadowed by the satisfying scream of his husband as they made passionate love.  Their verbal game of words forgotten, the two were totally focused on making the other satiated beyond consciousness.  It was the best way to end the day, full of love and happiness.

Indeed, the day that had begun so perfectly for the family was ending the very same way.  Life was definitely good for Jack, Daniel, Bijou, and Katie.

~~Finis - Finished - Done - The End - But is it ever Really?~~
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